9 Topics to Discuss with Your Partner Before Marriage (Part 2 of 3)
In this post we’ll discuss three more conversations to have with your partner before making a lifelong commitment:
Finances
Household chores
Stress
When discussing what can be emotionally loaded conversations, keep in mind these tips for keeping conversation supportive and productive.
Key Tips for Productive Conversations:
keep an emphasis on listening for understanding rather than agreement
Take a break if you are getting into conflict
Don’t hesitate to reach out a couples counselor if you are consistently getting stuck in these conversations
Finances Before Marriage
Finances are one of the main sources of conflict for many couples. When money is tight, stress is high, and stress often leads to heightened emotions which can make it very difficult to have a calm conversation. Not only can money be stressful, but many people have their own views on how to handle finances - this is especially tricky when you’re considering joining your funds with your partner.
The way we handle finances is often related to our upbringing - how we saw our parents handle finances influences us to have the same or different beliefs. For example, someone who grew up with only the necessities (food, water, shelter, clothing, etc.) because their parents could not afford anything else might be very frugal and try to save as much money as possible - OR maybe they made it a personal goal to be successful in their career and make a lot of money so they didn’t have to live the same way as an adult. The impact of your family’s financial situation as a child could influence you in many ways - no matter what you have learned, it’s important to share these views with your partner.
Questions to consider:
What was the attitude towards money in your house growing up?
How did your parents handle finances? (Maybe you have no idea - that matters too!)
What is your relationship like with money?
Do you have more saving or spending tendencies?
Do you plan to combine finances or keep them separate? Why does either of those feel important to you?
What are things you tend to spend money on and why do they feel important to you? Does your partner agree?
Do you have debt that your partner should know about?
It can be beneficial to consider a spending plan or to sit down with your partner and talk about spending habits each month. This can help you both feel on the same page with the amount of money you save and spend each month.
Division of Household Chores
Chores and responsibilities around the house are another common topic that couples argue about. More often than not, what sparks the argument are the feelings that come up because of the chores and not the chores themselves. However, it is important to have a conversation with your partner about expectations of chores and tasks around the house. Much like finances, it helps to have an understanding of your partner’s view on roles and responsibilities around the house. These views often stem from family beliefs and values that your partner might have grown up with.
While it is important to talk about expectations and views on household tasks, it’s also important to know how to communicate clearly with your partner about the importance of completing a task. If there is a chore that is normally your responsibility to complete and something gets in the way of you being able to do the task, let your partner know. If you feel that you could use some help on a particular task, ask your partner.
A lot of times completing chores or taking care of the house sends the message to your partner that you care about them and your life together. If your partner asks you to do a task repeatedly and you do not complete it, they might be left thinking, “Doesn’t my partner care about me?” This becomes more about the reliability of your partner, which can lead to a much larger discussion.
Questions to consider:
Who did the chores in your family growing up?
Were the chores split evenly? Did one parent do more chores or household tasks than the other?
How did gender impact the division of labor in your household growing up? Were there jobs considered to be “men’s jobs” or “women’s jobs”?
What are your expectations of getting chores done in your relationship?
Do you tend to keep things clean and tidy or leave them messy at times?
Do you prefer to have structure around the chores (i.e. the laundry gets done and the bathrooms get cleaned every Sunday)?
Is your attitude toward household tasks and cleanliness impacted by identity or culture? For example, sometimes people who grew up with marginalized identities learn that they must be extra clean or tidy in order to be respected by the dominant culture.
The Impact of Stress
It can be extremely beneficial for your partner to know what aspects of your life feel really stressful or what things cause the most stress for you. This helps your partner to know that if finances are particularly stressful for you, they can attempt to provide more support or comfort during difficult conversations about finances. It can be helpful to get clear on similar or differing opinions on the stressors in your lives. For reference, here are some common stressors in an individual’s everyday life: financial concerns, spending time with friends and family, work life, your partner, living arrangements, relationships with family, and emotion-related concerns.
Some people need some space or alone time when they’re feeling stressed and others feel more comforted by the emotional support of others. Try to understand if your partner has a tendency towards one or the other. It may be the case that what your partner needs varies depending on the situation - practice asking your partner if there’s anything you can do to help or support them when they are feeling stressed.
Questions to consider:
What are 2-3 issues that cause stress very often (for you and your partner)?
What are 2-3 issues that cause stress sometimes (for you and your partner)?
What are 2-3 issues that rarely cause stress (for you and your partner)?
What stressors do you and your partner have in common?
What differences do you and your partner have when it comes to stressors?
Do either you or your partner experience stress as a result of minority status? For example, the stress of systemic racism or anti-trans legislation
In what ways would your partner feel supported if they were feeling stressed?
Premarital Couples Therapy Denver
If you had these conversations with your partner, how did each of you feel about how they went? Did you notice fear or anxiety come up? If you didn’t have these conversations with a partner, what was holding you back? Remember that there is no shame in getting support to have difficult conversations.
In time, an experienced couples or marriage counselor like those at CTC can help you develop the confidence to have these conversations on your own. For more details on what this looks like check out our Premarital specialty page. If you are ready for the next steps, then schedule a complimentary consultation and someone from our intake team can match you with one of our compassionate Colorado therapists today.
And don’t forget to check out the next post in the series, helping you talk with your partner about Personality, Sex, and Kids.
