Do’s and Don’ts of Successful Affair Recovery
At Colorado Therapy Collective, we have worked with many, many couples recovering from infidelity, affairs, and other attachment injuries. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this work; we approach each relationship with curiosity and respect for its unique strengths, challenges, and history. However, after working with so many couples, we have seen some elements that contribute to successful repair and the ability to create a stronger, more resilient relationship going forward, and some things that consistently hinder the ability to repair and move forward.
Do’s and Don’ts
A non-exhaustive list of what we have seen help and hurt affair recovery (not all of these will apply to you and your relationship, so use discernment in considering whether they fit your particular circumstances).
Don’t: Trickling disclosure.
Sometimes the partner who violated relationship boundaries will “trickle” out information about the affair, for example first saying, “It only happened once!” only later to disclose that the affair had been ongoing over a longer period of time. Or, “It was never physical,” only to later disclose that the affair had included sex. This is one of the things that we have seen significantly damage the process of rebuilding trust, a primary goal of affair recovery. Your partner needs to know that they can count on you to be truthful even when it is very uncomfortable.
Do: Approach disclosure thoughtfully, transparently, and with the support of a therapy professional.
It is natural to worry about how disclosure will impact your partner, and to feel an urge to protect them (and you) from the pain of the full truth. A therapist experienced in working with affair recovery can help you and your partner navigate this process by providing a supported space for you to share information about the affair, and help you sort through what details are helpful and what might hurt your ability to recover.
Don’t: Ask questions you don’t want the answer to
You won’t be able to un-see certain images or un-know the answers to certain questions, so getting support in discerning what is actually necessary for healing is helpful. However, it is best for this process to be led by the injured partner - the partner who had the affair should not be making unilateral decisions about what their partner needs to know.
Do: See individual therapists in addition to a couples therapist
Whether you had an affair or discovered an affair, you have a lot to unpack. We have found that couples who each have their own supported spaces to explore their commitment to the relationship, their reasons for violating agreements, and the impact of the affair, are able to get the most out of the couples therapy space.
Don’t: Assume that that Reddit user on r/infidelity’s experience is applicable to your own.
While it is completely normal to want to seek out community, and to hope to find answers from people on the internet who have experienced something similar, we advise folks to exercise caution in going down these internet rabbit holes. Often we see that people end up more distressed, more fearful, and less able to tune in to their own experience when message boards are used as a coping mechanism. Instead, practice noticing, sitting with, and nurturing yourself through the emotions that might compel you to google your 347th variation of “how to know if he’ll cheat again.”
Do: Destigmatize staying together after infidelity
Not every couple chooses to stay together after infidelity, and for many people this is the right choice for them. However, as a society we can see many examples of people being judged or criticized for choosing to stay with a partner who has cheated. This is often based in reductive thinking about relationships, or people projecting their own fears. The reality is that whether or not you choose to work on a relationship after infidelity is entirely up to you, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this.
Help is Available
For further support navigating the aftermath of an affair or infidelity, reach out for a complimentary consultation to connect you with a Colorado Therapy Collective therapist who can help you navigate this difficult experience individually or as a couple. You deserve the support of a compassionate, experienced professional who works with folks in Colorado.