My Partner Doesn't Want Kids, What's Next?
When couples come to see me and discuss their thoughts about having children, I commend their thoughtfulness in raising these important questions. The decision to become a parent deserves intentional reflection. People today are really taking the time to consider this life-changing choice.
How to Handle a Relationship When You Disagree on Having Children
In our evolving society, more individuals are prioritizing personal growth, career development, and crafting lives that align with their authentic values rather than following traditional expectations. Yet even with this thoughtful approach, couples can find themselves at a crossroads when one partner envisions a future with children while the other is a “no” on the decision. If this is you, don’t worry, you are not alone. In this blog post, I’ll cover the many ways to navigate this discussion while prioritizing understanding, empathy, and compassion.
Slow Down and Reflect on Your Stance
Having ongoing conversations with your partner about this decision is essential. While you may have already discussed your positions, there are often deeper layers to explore. Consider reflecting on these questions on your own, first.
What are the core values driving your position on parenthood? How do these values align with your broader life vision and goals?
When you imagine your future with or without children, what changes do you see in your relationship and lifestyle? What new experiences might you gain, and what current aspects of life might shift? How does that impact your decision?
What fears or concerns surface when you think about becoming a parent? What worries you most about this life change?
How has your childhood experience influenced your perspective on parenthood? Which memories or moments stand out as ones you'd want to recreate or do differently?
Our stance on parenthood often connects to deeper life dreams and visions for the future. For some, the desire to become a parent has been a subtle presence. For others, it's been a central pillar in their vision of the future. And there are those who have never included parenthood in their life plan, or whose dreams have evolved in a different direction.
Taking time to understand the personal meaning behind your position helps create a fuller picture of your authentic desires.
Create Safe Conversation
Discovering you and your partner have different desires about having children can make your relationship feel suddenly uncertain. While this difference can trigger fears about your future together, it's important not to rush to conclusions about the relationship ending. Instead, approach this conversation with intention and care.
Create a foundation of emotional safety before diving into these discussions. Take time to express what you value and cherish about each other, and make it clear that your position on parenthood isn't a reflection of your feelings for your partner. Commit to listening with genuine openness and curiosity, seeking to truly understand each other's perspective rather than trying to change it.
Be mindful of attempts to persuade or pressure your partner in either direction. This conversation requires complete honesty and transparency. While having different views about parenthood might ultimately be a dealbreaker for some couples, approaching these discussions with patience and authenticity can prevent deeper hurt, confusion, and resentment in the future.
Examine Your Options Together
After thoughtfully discussing each other's positions, take time to explore different possibilities. Understanding your deeper feelings, thoughts, and needs around this life-altering decision can reveal creative solutions you might not have considered.
For instance, if pregnancy and childbirth feel overwhelming to one partner, could adoption, fostering, or surrogacy align with both of your visions? If one partner enjoys children but values their independence, consider whether living near family with young children might provide fulfilling opportunities for connection without full-time parenting responsibilities. Perhaps fostering older children could offer a meaningful middle ground.
Sometimes the hesitation about parenthood stems from deeper concerns. Does one partner carry wounds from their own childhood? Are there fears about being a "good enough" parent? Working through these concerns in individual therapy can help clarify whether these are fears to be worked through or fundamental preferences. For those with limited experience around children, spending time with friends' kids through babysitting can be a “try it out method” and give a glimpse to the reality.
If you continue to find yourselves unable to reach a mutual understanding or acceptable compromise despite exploring these options, consider seeking professional support together. A skilled therapist can help navigate this complex decision and its impact on your relationship.
Relationship Therapy in Denver, Colorado
At CTC our relationship therapists are experienced in helping couples navigate complex decisions about parenthood. We provide a supportive space to explore these important conversations together. If you and your partner are seeking guidance with this significant life choice, we're here to help.
To learn more about our approach, visit our Couples Therapy specialty page. Have questions? Fill out our contact form, and a member of our intake team will connect with you soon!
