4 Tips For Navigating Mutual Dysregulation

As a relationship therapist, I often witness couples grappling with a common yet challenging experience – mutual dysregulation. This occurs when both partners find themselves emotionally overwhelmed or disconnected simultaneously. If you've ever felt this way, know that you're not alone – it's a natural part of the human experience and human relationships.

Our attachment bonds are deeply intertwined with our nervous systems. When we feel disconnected from our partner, our body can perceive this as a threat, triggering a stress response. This is where approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be incredibly helpful, offering tools to navigate these turbulent emotional waters together. To learn more about the model check out our Emotionally Focused Therapy Page.

Now, let's explore four key strategies that can help you and your partner weather storms of mutual dysregulation and emerge with a stronger, more secure bond.

1. Building Awareness of The Emotional Dysregulation

The first step is recognizing what's happening. Dysregulation can manifest differently for each person – one partner might become visibly upset, while the other might withdraw or shut down. By learning to identify your signs of dysregulation and those of your partner, you create a foundation for healing. Knowledge is power and particularly helpful when your ways of experiencing the tension are different.

• Tip: Take time to reflect on your personal "dysregulation signals." Do you notice physical sensations, changes in thoughts, or specific behaviors? Share these observations with your partner and invite them to do the same.

2. Establishing Self-Regulation

While it may seem counterintuitive when you're feeling disconnected, taking a moment to center yourself can be incredibly powerful. This doesn't mean disconnecting further – it's about creating a calm internal space from which you can better connect. Many people have been taught to ignore their emotional world. In Emotionally Focused Therapy we encourage you to tune in and tap into yourself. When you promote acknowledgment and work toward acceptance of your emotions, then you can learn to self-regulate.

• Tip: Simple grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or gentle movement work. So does simply stopping to acknowledge the feelings you are having. Saying things like, “I am noticing the anxiety in my chest”. I often encourage clients to speak to those emotions as if they were speaking to a loved one. So often we have beliefs that fight against the part of us that is scared, sad, or anxious. Try this instead, “I am noticing the anxiety in my chest and I understand why it is here. This relationship is important to me and I’ve lost love before. That was a painful experience that I am trying to prevent from happening again.”

3. Creating Co-Regulation Together

You can interchangeably practice calming your nervous system, while you begin to support each other. Co-regulation is about creating a shared sense of safety and calm. This might involve reaching out to hold hands, providing reassuring words, or simply being present with each other. If you’ve been together for some time, you might know what feels comforting to your partner already. If you don’t, then this is a great time to share. Co-regulation is the sending and receiving of positive signals between two nervous systems.

• Tip: Discuss with your partner what helps them feel safe and connected when they're dysregulated. Create a "menu" of co-regulation strategies you can both draw from in difficult moments.

4. Provide Genuine Empathy

As you both begin to feel more regulated, shift your focus toward truly understanding each other’s emotional experiences. This isn’t a time for problem-solving or debating—it’s about genuinely listening and validating each other. It requires effort from both partners to break out of the negative cycle and explore what’s happening beneath the surface. It is on you to also express yourself without blame. I once heard another therapist say, “Would you rather be right, or be together?” Keep this in mind when showing up for each other. Your feelings matter, and so do theirs.

• Tip: Practice reflective listening. Take turns expressing how you're feeling without interruption. The listening partner then reflects back what they heard, focusing on the emotions underneath the words. Find meaning in the message.

Connect with a Trained EFT Therapist

Remember, navigating mutual dysregulation is a skill that takes practice. Be patient and compassionate with yourselves and each other as you learn. Every step you take towards understanding and supporting each other strengthens your bond and builds resilience for future challenges.

By incorporating these strategies – awareness, self-regulation, co-regulation, and empathy – you're not just managing difficult moments. You're actively building a more secure, connected relationship where both partners feel safe, understood, and valued.

If you find yourselves struggling, don't hesitate to seek support! Our team has qualified therapists trained in EFT and work from an attachment-based lens. We support couples in navigating conflict all across the Denver Metro area and Colorado. Fill out our contact form if you’d like to learn more about our team!