When Divorce Isn't Definite: The Research Behind Ambivalence in Ending a Marriage
There is a widely held assumption that once you've initiated the divorce process, the decision is made, and you move forward with confidence and relief. However, research conducted by William J. Doherty, the developer of The Discernment Counseling Protocol, and his colleagues suggests otherwise.
The Divorce Ambivalence Research
Doherty and his team's research reveals that many couples are not as confident when they move forward with divorce, or even while in the midst of the divorce process itself. In 2011 and 2012, they conducted the first empirical studies of their kind to explore this more.
In the 2011 study (Doherty, Peterson, & Willoughby), the researchers gathered a sample of 2,484 divorced parents and found that 25% of individual parents indicated a belief that their marriage could be saved, and about 30% expressed an interest in reconciliation services.
The 2012 study (Hawkins, Willoughby, & Doherty) replicated these findings, with 26% of participants holding the belief that their marriage could be saved and 33% interested in reconciliation support.
These studies highlight a significant level of ambivalence among couples going through divorce, challenging the assumption that the decision to end a marriage is always clear-cut and unwavering.
Achieving Clarity With Discernment Counseling
This is where Discernment Counseling can be a lifeline for couples on the brink of divorce. As William Doherty says, "Discernment Counseling is emergency room work." This protocol is designed to take a close look at the heartbeat of the marriage and understand how it is functioning and what needs to be done.
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, maximum 5 session, process that aims to help couples gain more clarity on a path forward. The three potential paths are:
Remain in the status quo: There could be a good reason why you decide to stay in the status quo. Personal life stressors like a family member’s illness or a job loss can make deciding an impossible task. Discernment Counseling will always be there when you are ready.
Commit to 6 months of couples therapy: You may have tried couples therapy before, but maybe your therapist was not the right fit or the timing was off. Utilizing evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy can support you in truly experiencing real change. On this path, you’ll take divorce off the table and give couples therapy a real try.
Move forward with divorce or separation: You’ve decided that you’ve exhausted all efforts, recognize how you’ve gotten here, and are ready to divorce / separate. Your Discernment counselor will support you in an amicable, child-led divorce process.
The Discernment Counseling process involves taking a close look at your relationship and what led you here. You’ll have joint time and individual time with your therapist to answer specific questions about your marriage. The goal is to provide a safe and supportive environment for couples to make a well-informed decision about the future of their relationship.
You Are Not Alone in Your Uncertainty
As the research shows, ambivalence can persist even throughout the divorce process. This is an incredibly challenging and painful feeling to hold when making such a life-changing decision. The back-and-forth can be emotionally exhausting and isolating.
Many people going through this experience describe feeling stuck, confused and wracked with self-doubt. It's common to question whether you're making the right choice, to long for the relationship you once had, or to fear the unknown of life after divorce. We hope this research helps you to remember that you are not alone in this struggle.
With the support of a skilled therapist who can work with you and your partner utilizing the Discernment Counseling approach, you can begin to find clarity and confidence, even amidst emotional turmoil.
Denver-Based Discernment Counseling
Does this type of ambivalence speak to you? We understand the pain that comes with this experience and are here to talk you through it. Check out our Discernment Counseling specialty page for more information on how Colorado Therapy Collective works with clients just like you. Do you want to talk to someone directly? Feel free to fill out our contact form and someone from our intake team will reach out to schedule a free initial consultation to answer any questions you may have.
References: Doherty, W., Willoughby, B. J., & Peterson, B. (2011). Interest in reconciliation among divorcing parents. Family Court Review, 49 (2), 313–321.
Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(6), 453–463.
