When the Spark Fades: Understanding ADHD Hyperfocus in New Relationships
In all relationships, the beginning phase sparkles with excitement and discovery. You're learning about each other, embarking on new adventures, and creating a fresh connection. While this experience is common, it takes on a unique intensity when one partner has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
For the ADHD brain, the traditional honeymoon phase can become all-consuming – like being on vacation in Italy where nothing exists beyond your new love and the perfect plate of pasta in front of you. This heightened focus is a genuine, powerful experience for the ADHD partner, creating an experience for the person on the receiving end to feel incredibly loved from this concentrated attention. But like all vacations abroad, this intense period eventually ends and both partners come back to everyday reality.
How ADHD Hyperfocus Shows Up in New Relationships
The term for this type of attention is called “Hyperfocus”. An ADHD brain can experience hyperfocus, a lesser-known symptom of the condition. According to Think ADHD.co.uk, hyperfocus is a state where someone becomes so deeply engrossed in something that everything else fades into the background. Since the ADHD brain experiences a dopamine deficiency, the natural dopamine rush at the start of a relationship can trigger an intense state of hyperfocus. Some refer to this as the "New Relationship Energy" (NRE) phase. During this period, hyperfocus in a new relationship often manifests as:
Wanting to spend all time with the new partner and maintaining constant communication
Paying intense attention to the partner's life, interests, and preferences
Planning elaborate dates and showering the partner with affirmations and gifts
Neglecting personal responsibilities and other relationships in favor of the new relationship
Understanding the Natural Shift in Attention
Like in any relationship, the intense initial period of attraction and focus eventually transitions. For people with ADHD, this shift can be particularly noticeable due to their tendency to hyperfocus during the early stages of romance. When this intense focus naturally decreases, their partner may feel confused or unsettled by the change.
This transition occurs as the neurochemical surge associated with new relationships begins to normalize. At this point, a person with ADHD may redirect their hyperfocus to other areas of interest, such as hobbies, work projects, or friendships.
Understanding that this shift stems from neurobiological differences, rather than a change in feelings, can help both partners navigate this period. Understanding and open dialouge around the impact of this shift can help both partner’s feel supported and secure.
Building a Real Connection After Hyperfocus
When this intensity begins to shift, both partners can work together to cultivate intentionality in their relationship. Open communication remains essential – each partner should have space to express their feelings about these changes, while working together to maintain their connection. This transition can be compared to how neurotypical couples move from the initial honeymoon phase into deeper romantic love, where maintaining intimacy and connection requires conscious choice and effort.
For couples navigating this transition, ADHD therapy for couples can provide valuable support. This is helpful both for couples in the early stages of their relationship and for those who have developed challenging patterns after experiencing this shift unexpectedly. An ADHD therapist can create a structured environment for learning about ADHD's impact on relationships while offering practical strategies to enhance communication. Through therapy, couples can develop tools to discuss these changes with vulnerability and understanding, ultimately strengthening their relationship foundation.
ADHD-Focused Relationship Therapy in Denver
If ADHD's impact on relationships resonates with your experience, Colorado Therapy Collective is here to support you and your partner. Our team of inclusive therapists specializes in helping couples navigate the unique dynamics of ADHD in relationships. To learn more about our approach, visit our Couples Therapy for ADHD specialty page. Have questions? Simply complete our contact form, and a member of our intake team will connect with you to explore how we can best support your relationship.
References: Think ADHD. (2023). ADHD and Hyperfocus. Retrieved January 2, 2025, fromhttps://thinkadhd.co.uk/adhd-and/adhd-and-hyperfocus/
