Defining Ownership: The Key to Sharing the Mental Load
In every relationship, there are invisible threads that connect us. These are things we do for each other that aren’t always seen but are deeply felt. Emotional labor and mental load are two of those threads. They can quietly strengthen the bond between partners, but when they become imbalanced, they can also pull you apart. At CTC, we frequently work with couples whose relationships are strained by conflict over how household work is shared. It’s a common struggle—trying to balance work outside the home with the never-ending tasks inside the home. When these issues aren’t addressed in a way that makes both partners feel valued and heard, the result is often distance, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
In our previous blog post on Sharing The Mental Load in Relationships, we discussed the importance of taking inventory of all household tasks, especially of the often invisible mental load. If you’ve taken this step, you might have noticed how eye-opening it can be to see just how much cognitive labor goes into keeping your home running smoothly. But what happens after you’ve laid everything out? How do you ensure that the mental load is shared more equitably moving forward?
The answer lies in ownership—not just doing tasks, but truly taking responsibility for them.
The ‘Fair Play’ Approach: Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE)
One reason attempts to shift household responsibilities often fail is the lack of clarity around defining and fully assigning ownership of tasks. Eve Rodsky's "Fair Play" system introduces a useful framework to help couples manage this: Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE). When each partner takes responsibility for all three components, sharing the mental load becomes much lighter.
Conception: This is the initial acknowledgment that something needs to be done. For example, noticing that the kids need to be signed up for judo lessons or that the dog is due for their next vet appointment.
Planning: This step involves determining how the task will be accomplished. It includes setting a timeline, gathering necessary resources, and coordinating with others if needed. In the judo example, planning might involve researching which dojo offers lessons for your child’s age group, identifying the required documents, and fitting the practices into your family’s schedule.
Execution: This is the follow-through that ensures the task is completed. For instance, signing the kids up for judo lessons, arranging carpools, and making sure they have the appropriate gear, such as a properly fitted judo-gi and belt.
Why Is Full Ownership Important?
Many couples fall into the trap of partially sharing a task—one person may conceive the task and start planning, but the other might be left to execute it without full context. This can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and the task not being completed as needed. When full ownership of a task (from conception through execution) is assigned to one person, it allows that partner to fully manage the task without unnecessary back-and-forth or dropped balls.
In practice, this means if one partner is responsible for signing up the kids for judo, they handle it from start to finish. They don’t just remember that it needs to be done; they plan how it will get done, and then they do it. The other partner can trust that this task is handled, freeing up their own mental space.
CPE in Action: How to Get Started
1. Assign Full Ownership
After you’ve completed your household task inventory, sit down together and go through the tasks. Assign full ownership for each task to one partner. Remember, ownership isn’t about being stuck with a task forever—these responsibilities can be rotated and renegotiated as needed—but when you own it, you own all of it.
2. Check in Regularly
Once you’ve assigned tasks, schedule regular check-ins to discuss how things are going. This can be a time to express if you’re feeling overwhelmed, to swap tasks, or to renegotiate the workload. These conversations can prevent resentment from building up and ensure both partners feel their contributions are valued.
3. Use Tools to Stay Organized
The "Fair Play" system offers practical tools, such as a card deck, to help couples identify and distribute tasks in a way that feels fair. These tools can serve as a visual reminder of who is responsible for what, making it easier to stick to your agreements.
The Benefits of Defining Ownership
By fully embracing the concept of CPE, you’re not just dividing labor, you’re ensuring that both partners feel respected, valued, and truly heard. The intentionality of using this system establishes an increased sense of equity and partnership. Making decisions together as a team helps prevent couples from feeling that tasks were unfairly assigned or simply decided on by default. This approach reduces the mental load on both partners and fosters a more supportive, connected relationship.
Denver Therapy for Couples
At CTC, we believe that when couples work together to share both the visible and invisible labor of running a household, they build a stronger foundation for their relationship. Our Couples Therapy page offers detailed insights into how we work with couples who navigate these types of topics.
If you’re struggling with this issue, consider reaching out for support. We’re here to help you navigate these challenges and create a more balanced, fulfilling partnership. Ready to take the next step in sharing the mental load? Fill out our contact form today to learn how we can support you in building a healthier, more equitable relationship.
