10 Healthy Ways to Talk About Porn Use with Your Partner: Part I
How to Approach the Topic of Porn Use with Care and Respect
Is talking about porn with your partner as comfortable as discussing what to have for dinner? Probably not. For most couples, it's a conversation loaded with potential landmines—personal values, insecurities, and often, unspoken expectations. Yet sweeping this topic under the rug doesn't make concerns disappear; it only creates fertile ground for misunderstandings, secrecy, and resentment to take root.
Through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), addressing this seemingly taboo subject can actually strengthen relationships when approached thoughtfully. In this two-part series, we’ll explore practical, actionable tips, and relatable examples to help you transform these difficult conversations into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
1. Create a Secure Environment for Vulnerable Sharing
When addressing sensitive topics, it’s important to foster an emotionally safe space. In EFT, the goal is to help couples address difficult issues when both partners feel emotionally secure and their attachment systems are calm, rather than in fight-or-flight mode. Conversations are much more effective when approached in this way.
Example: Miguel was afraid that his partner Jamal would leave him if he admitted feeling threatened by Jamal's porn use. In therapy, they worked to create a safe space for Miguel to express his primary emotion—fear of abandonment—rather than leading the discussion with the secondary and reactionary emotions of anger and judgment.
Ineffective Approach:
"We need to talk about your porn habit. It's becoming a problem, and I want it to stop."
Effective Alternatives:
"I’d like to find a time when we’re both relaxed to talk about something that's been on my mind. I want us to understand each other better, not just argue."
"I notice I feel anxious when I think about your porn use. My fear is that I’m not enough for you, which is a tender spot for me. Can we talk about this together?"
2. Admitting to a Porn Use Issue in a Relationship
Acknowledging that porn use has become a problem can be challenging, but it’s an essential step toward healing and rebuilding trust in your relationship. Here’s how to talk about porn with your partner and approach this difficult conversation with honesty and responsibility.
Example: Tara realizes her porn use has become excessive and feels it's affecting her relationship with her wife, Camila. She struggles with how to admit it and fears Camila will be disappointed or upset.
Ineffective Approach:
"I know I watch porn a lot, but it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just something I do, and you should be fine with it."
Effective Alternatives:
"I’ve been reflecting on my porn use, and I realize it’s becoming a bigger issue than I initially thought. It’s affecting our connection, and I want to be honest with you about it because I care about us."
"I’ve been feeling guilty about my porn use, and I want to address it with you. It’s becoming something that I’m struggling to control, and I’d like to work through it together so it doesn’t affect our relationship."
3. Identify Your Attachment Triggers
Before having this conversation, it can be helpful to reflect on the attachment needs that may be activated. Does porn use trigger fears of abandonment or engulfment? Are you concerned about emotional accessibility, responsiveness, or engagement? Conversations about intimacy and porn can be vulnerable.
Example: Monica realized in therapy that her discomfort wasn't about porn itself but about feeling emotionally disconnected from her boyfriend, Joshua. When Joshua watched porn late at night instead of coming to bed with her, Monica’s primary emotion was sadness about missing their emotional and sexual connection, more so than anger about the content.
Ineffective Approach:
"You always choose porn over me. You don't even care how it makes me feel!"
Effective Alternatives:
"When you watch porn at night instead of coming to bed with me, I feel forgotten. I miss our connection."
"When we have less sex and I realize you’ve been watching porn at night, I feel alone and wonder if you miss me the way I miss you. I’d like for us to find a way to prioritize connecting sexually."
4. Share Values with Vulnerability, Not Judgment
If your discomfort is rooted in ethical or moral concerns, share your values vulnerably rather than making broad, judgmental statements. Addressing porn use without judgment allows your partner to hear your authentic feelings without feeling attacked or defensive.
Example: Claudia wanted to share her moral concerns about the porn industry with her husband, Ezra. Rather than saying, "Something’s wrong with you for watching porn," which would trigger defensiveness, she shared her concerns in a way that opened space for a productive discussion.
Ineffective Approach:
"Porn is disgusting and degrading. I can't believe you support an industry that exploits women."
Effective Alternatives:
"I notice I have strong feelings about the porn industry, which are connected to my values around human dignity. I'd like to share what matters to me without making you feel judged. I’d like for us to explore some ethical porn options instead."
"My faith and values around human dignity are deeply important to me. When I think about some of the exploitation in the industry, I feel worried about you watching porn. I'm struggling because I want to honor both your autonomy and my core values in our relationship."
5. Recognize the Negative Cycle Porn Might Trigger
Porn use can sometimes contribute to a negative cycle in the relationship, where one partner criticizes, and the other withdraws. This "demon dialogue" reinforces attachment fears and emotional distance.
Example: In therapy, Lee realized that their criticism of Marco’s porn use caused him to withdraw further into private viewing, reinforcing Lee’s fear of being unimportant. By recognizing their roles in this cycle, they could begin to break it and develop healthier communication.
Ineffective Approach:
"Every time I bring up porn, you shut down and hide things from me. Then I have to keep checking your phone because you're so secretive! Clearly you don’t care about me."
Effective Alternative:
"I notice we get stuck in a pattern where I bring up concerns, you feel criticized and withdraw, and then I push harder for answers because I want to know if I matter to you. I wonder if we could pause this cycle and find a different way forward."
Building a Stronger, More Connected Relationship Through Open Conversations
Talking about porn use can be difficult, but avoiding the conversation only breeds secrecy and disconnection. By approaching this topic with vulnerability and empathy, you can shift the focus from the issue itself to the deeper emotional needs underneath. In Part 1, we covered how to create a secure environment for vulnerable sharing, admit to a porn use issue, recognize your attachment triggers, share values without judgment, and identify the negative cycles porn use can trigger.
In Part 2, we’ll explore practical steps to strengthen your bond, including fostering secure attachment, expressing needs directly, discussing fetishes, distinguishing between solo and shared porn use, and seeking professional support when needed. If you’re ready to improve communication and deepen your connection, reach out to a Couples Therapist today. Stay tuned for more tools to help you navigate these conversations in a healthy, productive way.
