What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives
How to Navigate a Relationship with Different Desires
One of the most common issues couples bring to therapy is what to do when partners have different sex drives. Over the course of a relationship, fluctuations in desire are normal. However, when mismatched sex drives become a persistent source of tension, frustration or resentment can build. For some, it starts to feel like a vicious cycle that’s impossible to escape.
But you don’t have to face these challenges alone. By working together, you and your partner can navigate these differences in a way that fosters greater intimacy and understanding.
Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are offers an insightful framework for managing differences in sex drive by understanding desire, recognizing how context shapes your sex life, and approaching the challenge as a team. Below, we’ll explore how Nagoski’s teachings can help you and your partner find balance.
Decode Desire
Sexual desire isn’t just about libido—it’s influenced by a variety of psychological and environmental factors. Understanding how desire works for both you and your partner is the first step toward bridging the gap.
One of Nagoski’s key concepts is the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, which likens sexual desire to a car with both an accelerator (gas pedal) and brakes.
Accelerators: These are the things that turn you on—physical attraction, emotional intimacy, novelty, or specific situations.
Brakes: These are the things that shut down desire—stress, body image concerns, relationship tension, or exhaustion.
How sensitive your accelerator and brakes are can determine whether you experience desire at any given moment. For example, if you have highly sensitive brakes, stress might significantly dampen your desire. If your accelerator is more active, stress may have little impact on your sex drive.
What to do: With your partner, make a list of what activates your accelerator and what hits your brakes. Understanding these differences can help you create conditions that make intimacy more likely.
Another key concept is the distinction between spontaneous vs. responsive desire:
Spontaneous desire means you experience desire before arousal—sometimes out of nowhere.
Responsive desire means you need emotional connection, physical touch, or the right context before feeling desire.
Many people assume they should feel desire before engaging in intimacy, but those with responsive desire may need to start with physical closeness to activate their accelerator. If you and your partner have different desire types, it’s not a sign of incompatibility—just a difference in how your bodies and minds approach arousal.
What to do: Identify whether you typically experience spontaneous or responsive desire and discuss with your partner how this affects your sex life.
Consider Context
Once you understand your and your partner’s relationship to desire, the next step is to examine what factors make intimacy more or less likely to occur.
Ask yourself:
What strengthens emotional and physical connection in our relationship?
What stressors, routines, or habits might be acting as "brakes" on desire?
How does our overall relationship health impact our sex life?
Often, small changes in context can make a big difference. Increasing non-sexual touch, spending quality time together, and managing stress can create the foundation for more frequent and satisfying intimacy. Emotional connection and trust are often necessary for desire to emerge.
What to do: With your partner, reflect on past moments when you both felt a strong sense of desire.
Where were you?
What happened leading up to that moment?
How was your relationship dynamic at the time?
What did your mental, physical, and emotional well-being look like?
These reflections can help you identify patterns and recreate environments that support intimacy.
Come Together as a Team
When sex drive differences become a challenge, it’s easy to fall into blame. One partner may feel their counterpart has unrealistic expectations, while the other may feel rejected or undesired. However, because sex is a shared experience, mismatches in desire are a shared challenge—not an individual failure.
The key is to approach intimacy with curiosity rather than judgment.
Get to know each other’s brakes and accelerators.
Talk openly about your desires and expectations.
View your sex life as something you navigate together rather than as a source of tension.
When partners communicate openly and work as a team, they’re much more likely to create a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Couples Counseling for Mismatched Sex Drives
Sometimes, these challenges can feel overwhelming to tackle alone. However, having different sex drives doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it simply means you need tools to navigate the difference. Couples Therapy can help by creating a safe space to discuss sex without judgment, teaching communication strategies for discussing difference in desire, and helping partners reconnect emotionally and physically.
At Colorado Therapy Collective, our Emotionally Focused Therapists specialize in helping couples break out of disconnection cycles and build intimacy—both emotionally and physically. If you’re struggling with mismatched sex drives, we’re here to help. Take the next step today and reach out below for a free 20-minute consultation with our intake team. A mutually satisfying sex life is within reach.
