10 Healthy Ways to Talk About Porn Use with Your Partner: Strengthening Connection, Part II
Deepening Connection: Practical Strategies for Navigating Porn in Your Relationship
Now that we’ve established a foundation for safe, open dialogue, it’s time to dive into strategies that will help you not only address porn use in a healthy way, but also use it as an opportunity to deepen your emotional connection. The truth is, when you and your partner aren’t on the same page about porn, it’s often not about the porn itself, but the underlying disconnection. By focusing on strengthening your bond, you can create security as you navigate this topic together.
In this second part of our series, we’ll explore practical steps for fostering secure bonding, expressing attachment needs without judgment, discussing fetishes, and understanding the difference between solo exploration and shared intimacy. We’ll also discuss when it’s time to seek professional support if these conversations consistently trigger difficult emotions or conflict. With these tools, you’ll be better equipped to approach the subject with understanding, compassion, and a renewed sense of connection.
6. Move Toward Secure Bonding
The goal isn’t just to set rules about porn use, but to create a secure emotional bond where both partners feel safe, valued, and connected. This might involve creating agreements around porn use that prioritize the primary relationship.
Example: After working with their therapist, Diana and Lily developed an agreement called "connection before consumption." This meant they would prioritize meaningful intimate time together before using porn, ensuring that their bond stayed secure.
Ineffective Approach:
"From now on, we better have sex before you watch porn, or else I’ll know my fears didn’t mean anything to you."
Effective Alternative:
"I notice I’m needing some reassurance around our connection and your porn use. I wonder if we could create some agreements that help both of us feel secure and connected, rather than policing each other’s behavior."
7. Opening Up About a Personal Fetish
Talking about a personal fetish can feel daunting, especially when you’re unsure how your partner will respond. But approaching the conversation with vulnerability and care can transform it into an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.
Example: Jordan wants to talk to his partner, Sam, about a fetish he enjoys watching through porn but feels unsure about how to bring it up. He's afraid of judgment or rejection and doesn't want to make Sam feel uncomfortable.
Ineffective Approach:
"Look, I watch porn with a fetish, and I don’t think you’ll understand, but I figured I should tell you before you found out on your own."
Effective Alternatives:
"I’ve been thinking about something I’d like to share with you. It’s a bit vulnerable for me, but I want to be open. I sometimes enjoy watching porn with a specific fetish, and I’d love for us to talk about it."
"I’ve been hesitant to bring this up, but I want us to have an honest conversation. There’s a part of my sexual interests that involves a fetish I watch through porn. I care about how you feel, so I want to hear your thoughts and explore this together."
8. Express Needs Directly Rather Than Criticizing
Instead of criticizing your partner’s behavior, focus on expressing your underlying attachment needs. This helps prevent your partner from feeling attacked and opens space for a constructive conversation.
Example: Dee & Max watch queer porn together before connecting sexually. However, Max recently discovered that Dee had been secretly watching heterosexual porn, which triggered feelings of insecurity in their relationship.
Ineffective Approach:
"You clearly prefer those videos to real intimacy with me. It's like I'm not enough for you. What else are you hiding?!”
Effective Alternative:
"I need to feel like we’re on the same page about expectations we have around porn use so I’m not in the dark. When I found out about the other porn you’ve been watching, I felt left out and hurt. Can we talk about what this means for you and for us?"
9. Distinguish Between Solo Exploration and Shared Experience
Recognizing that solo pleasure and shared intimacy can serve different purposes can help depersonalize concerns about porn use. This allows both partners to understand each other’s needs without feeling threatened.
Example: Jesse and Taylor found a balance in therapy by openly discussing their different needs. Taylor shared, "I realized I was expecting all of Jesse’s sexual energy to be directed toward me. Understanding that porn use for solo pleasure serves a different purpose than our shared intimacy helped me stop taking it personally."
Ineffective Approach:
"If you're going to watch that stuff, at least let me watch it with you. Why do you need to keep it private?"
Effective Alternative:
"I'm wondering if we could talk about the different roles porn might play—as something private for you sometimes and as something we might explore together other times. Could we explore both without assuming they're the same thing?"
10. Seek Professional Support When Needed
If these conversations consistently trigger deep-seated fears or feelings of disconnection, it may be time to seek professional help. A trained EFT therapist can guide you through these tough discussions, helping you develop understanding and strengthen your emotional bond.
Example: Lucy and Emille have been struggling to talk about Emille’s porn use for months. Every time the topic comes up, it ends in arguments, with Lucy feeling unheard and Emille feeling defensive. They both recognize that the conversation triggers deep emotions for each of them but don’t know how to move forward.
Ineffective Approach:
"We’ve tried talking about this a hundred times and always end up fighting. This is hopeless, you’re never going to change."
Effective Alternative:
"This topic seems to hit some raw spots for both of us and it’s been hard to feel like we’re at each other’s throats every time it comes up. Maybe having a professional guide us through the conversation would help us understand each other better and find common ground."
Strengthen Your Relationship Through Open Conversations with Couples Counseling
Having the courage to initiate and engage in conversations about sensitive topics like porn use is a powerful step toward deeper connection and mutual understanding. It’s not about perfecting the conversation, but rather embracing it as an opportunity to learn more about each other’s values, fears, and desires. Like any sensitive topic, it’s less about the specific issue at hand and more about the emotional needs beneath it.
Remember, this isn’t a “one-and-done” kind of conversation. It’s an ongoing dialogue that may evolve as your relationship does. After all, relationships are about growth, connection, and, at times, learning to express understanding and empathy, especially when you’re not aligned. This concludes our two-part series on 10 ways to have a healthy conversation about porn use with your partner. We hope these insights empower you to navigate this important topic with confidence, compassion, and a deeper sense of connection.
If you and your partner struggle with having a productive conversation about porn use, consider reaching out to a Couples Therapist- as they can help you navigate these difficult topics safely, while strengthening your emotional connection. Colorado Therapy Collective’s EFT therapists specialize in helping couples work through tough topics while building a stronger bond. Reach out to learn how we can help you get started.
