3 Assumptions That Stop Couples from Reconnecting After an Affair
Rebuilding trust and connection and overcoming infidelity is one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face. Whether you’re the injured partner or the participating one, it’s natural to struggle with how to talk about the affair. Often, couples find themselves stuck in patterns of avoiding the issue entirely or reacting with anger and blame.
This turning away from each other, while understandable, can prevent you from healing together. At Colorado Therapy Collective, our Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists help couples navigate affair recovery with empathy and compassion. One critical step in this process is identifying and challenging the assumptions that make meaningful connections difficult.
Drawing on insights from After the Affair by Janis Spring, Ph.D., we explore three common assumptions that can block connection and hinder healing. If talking about the affair feels impossible, keep reading to learn how shifting your perspective can help you move forward together.
1. Talking About It Will Make Things Worse
Injured Partner: It might feel safer to avoid discussing the affair to protect yourself from further pain. You might believe that revisiting this relationship trauma will reopen the wound and threaten what remains of your emotional safety. However, bottling up your emotions allows the hurt to fester, often manifesting as resentment. Healing requires allowing your partner to witness and share in your pain, creating space for acknowledgment and validation.
Participating Partner: You might think that staying quiet will avoid conflict or prevent further harm. Perhaps you’re waiting for emotions to settle before addressing what happened. Yet, silence perpetuates a cycle of misunderstanding and keeps the relationship vulnerable to future betrayals. Open communication about both the affair and the conditions that led to it is essential for building trust and intimacy.
2. It’s Too Dangerous to Admit Fault
Injured Partner: When you’ve been betrayed, it’s easy to feel like the victim and focus entirely on your partner’s actions. While your pain and anger are valid, taking some responsibility for the relationship dynamic before the affair can empower you to make meaningful changes. Shifting from blame to accountability fosters mutual healing and growth.
Participating Partner: Admitting your role in the affair can feel terrifying. You might fear that taking responsibility will deepen your partner’s pain, lead to rejection, or permanently damage how they see you. However, avoiding accountability causes greater harm in the long run. By acknowledging the impact of your actions, exploring the personal issues that contributed to the affair, and reassuring your partner of your commitment to change, you create a foundation for rebuilding trust.
3. I Need to Get This Off My Chest
Both partners may feel an intense need to express everything they’re feeling before they can move forward. As the injured partner, this might manifest as anger or the urge to rage until your pain feels fully heard. As the participating partner, you might feel compelled to defend yourself or justify your actions.
While these reactions are natural, they often backfire. Attacking or venting out of bitterness can push your partner further away, making it harder for them to receive your message. Sharing your feelings in a calm and constructive way allows for deeper understanding and connection.
Break Through Assumptions and Reconnect
The pain, guilt, and shame that follow an affair can make it incredibly difficult to challenge these assumptions on your own. That’s why working with an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist can be so transformative. Working with an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist through affair recovery allows you to get to the root of things. We help address patterns and rebuild your emotional bond after a significant attachment injury. Additionally, therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where you can improve your communication about the affair in a meaningful way.
At CTC, our Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists specialize in affair recovery and healing from betrayal. Ready to take the first step toward healing? Take a look at our Affair Recovery specialty page to learn more about this therapeutic specialty and schedule a free 20-minute consultation today by filling out our contact form. Let’s work together to help you find clarity, connection, and hope for the future.
References: Spring, J. A., & Spring, M. (2020). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful (3rd ed.). Harper Paperbacks.
