“If They Wanted to, They Would”: Decoding Common Relationship Advice for Deeper Connections, Part I
“In attachment theory and in EFT, the self is viewed as an ongoing construction, a process rather than an object, and one that is defined in interactions with others.”
Relationships can be the source of our greatest joys and deepest pains. From the lyrics of songs, to the pages of books and the screens of movies, love and loss are central themes that resonate with the human experience. We often turn to advice from friends, family, and self-help resources to navigate the complexities of relationships, drawing on anecdotes of both success and failure to guide our decisions and provide solace in times of distress. But amidst this sea of relationship wisdom, have you ever paused to consider how these nuggets of advice stack up against attachment theory?
Attachment theory, as applied in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), offers a unique perspective on relationships. It views the self as a dynamic, evolving entity shaped by our interactions with others, particularly in the context of attachment bonds. Central to this theory is the concept of secure attachments and their profound impact on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within relationships
In this multi-part series, we'll take a closer look at some common relationship advice through the lens of attachment theory. By exploring the underlying dynamics of attachment, we can gain deeper insights into the validity of these age-old pieces of wisdom and uncover new ways to navigate the complexities of love and connection.
If they wanted to, they would.
This phrase sounds like a quick fix for understanding why our partners behave the way they do. But when it comes to relationships, things are rarely that simple. Attachment theory teaches us that our actions are deeply influenced by our past experiences, especially those from our earliest relationships. Think about it: Have you ever found yourself wanting to connect with your partner but feeling held back by fears or insecurities? Maybe you've noticed your partner pulling away during tough times, or perhaps you've felt overwhelmed by their need for constant reassurance.
These behaviors often stem from our attachment styles. For example, if you tend to avoid getting too close to others, you might find yourself retreating when things get intense, even though deep down you crave connection. On the other hand, if you're someone who worries about being abandoned, you might go out of your way to please your partner, sometimes at the expense of your own needs. And let's not forget those moments when we impulsively commit to something, only to regret it later and push our partner away. It's like we're stuck in a tug-of-war between our desire for closeness and our fear of getting hurt.
So, while it's tempting to rely on catchy phrases to explain our relationship woes, the truth is much more complicated. Building a strong, secure attachment takes time and effort. It means being willing to talk through disagreements, share our anxieties, and, most importantly, work together to repair any rifts that may occur along the way. By embracing the messy, complex nature of human emotions and relationships, we can create deeper connections built on trust, understanding, and genuine love.
Attachment-based approach:
If you've found yourself stuck in a cycle of frustration or misunderstanding with your partner, it might be time to try a different approach to communication. Instead of getting caught up in the same old arguments, consider using some alternative methods rooted in attachment theory to foster deeper understanding and connection.
For example, if your partner tends to lean towards avoidance, you could say,
"I have these hopes and expectations for us ____, and I've noticed that despite sharing them with you, we haven't made progress. I'd like to understand what might be getting in the way for you."
On the other hand, if your partner leans more towards anxious tendencies, acknowledge that you've noticed times when they've agreed to things they may not have truly wanted to. Let them know that you want to create a space where both of your voices are heard and respected.
And if your partner exhibits fearful-avoidant behaviors, address the issue directly, but gently. You can say something like,
"I've noticed times when you've agreed to my requests but weren't able to follow through or canceled last minute. When I bring it up, I sense you're upset, which makes it hard for me to express myself without fear of things escalating. Can we talk about this? I want to understand your perspective and feel heard."
Ultimately, if your partner isn't ready or willing to meet your needs, it's important to respect their boundaries while also taking care of yourself. You can continue to encourage open communication and seek compromise, or you may need to reassess whether this relationship aligns with your needs and values moving forward. The key is to approach these conversations with empathy, patience, and a willingness to listen and understand each other's perspectives.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
Attachment theory, a cornerstone of understanding human relationships, tells us that our earliest experiences profoundly shape our attachment styles, beliefs about love, and ourselves. These experiences set the blueprint for how we understand the world and relationships, and what we come to accept as normal. Interestingly, core beliefs operate beneath the surface, influencing how we perceive ourselves and what we think we deserve in relationships.
Imagine a child whose primary caregiver was inconsistent or unavailable. This child may grow up believing that love is unreliable or conditional, leading to difficulties in trusting and depending on others in adulthood. Consider someone who presents themselves as confident and self-sufficient but struggles to express their emotional needs in relationships and rely on others. This could be a result of attachment injuries in childhood, such as emotional neglect or abandonment, which triggered protective behaviors like extreme independence and mistrust. These behaviors may attract partners who inadvertently recreate and reinforce the belief that closeness is dangerous, perpetuating a cycle of disconnection.
On the other hand, individuals with secure attachment styles have a deep-seated belief in their own lovability and worthiness. In secure relationships, they can confidently express their needs, set boundaries, and advocate for themselves when those needs aren't met. Conflict is not a devastating occurrence signaling danger, but rather an opportunity and tool for creating more understanding and growth in the relationship. They understand that vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength that deepens intimacy.
EFT therapy offers a safe environment to confront and reassess deep-seated beliefs. In individual sessions, you delve into your attachment style origins, fostering more secure connections. Couples therapy explores how attachment styles shape relationship dynamics, enabling partners to develop empathy, communication, and intimacy, breaking harmful cycles. Ultimately, therapy facilitates healing and fosters healthier, fulfilling relationships founded on trust, security, and mutual respect.
Keep an eye out for the upcoming parts of this series, where we'll delve deeper into other common relationship advice from an attachment perspective. At Colorado Therapy Collective, our therapists are experts in assisting couples in cultivating secure attachments and integrating research-backed strategies to navigate their relationships effectively. If you’re interested in our services, reach out to one of our therapists today for more information! We offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation for you and your partner to learn more about our services and make sure you find a therapist that feels like a good fit for you. Click here to schedule a consultation or initial session today!
