“Don’t Go To Bed Angry”: Decoding Common Relationship Advice for Deeper Connections, Part II
“Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”
In our first installment of this series, we delved into highlighting the impact of attachment styles on how we navigate our current relationships. We examined the delicate balance between seeking closeness and guarding against vulnerability, offering deeper insight into the relevance and limitations of common relationship advice. Now, in Part 2, we’ll continue to explore these insights by scrutinizing the truth behind such advice through the lens of attachment theory. As we unravel the complexities of love, we aim to uncover the tools for cultivating stronger, more enriching relationships.
“Don’t go to bed angry.”
This piece of advice is timeless, but not necessarily in a good way. Although this phrase has an undertone of connection, its intention does not line up with its impact. Navigating conflicts in relationships can feel like walking through a minefield. You know it’s important to address issues, but sometimes emotions flare up, and suddenly, it’s like your brain hits the panic button. Picture this: You’re in the heat of an argument, and suddenly, your brain goes into lockdown mode. Dr. Dan Siegel calls it the "Hand Model of the Brain" – when you feel threatened, your brain "flips its lid" and sends you into survival mode. Suddenly, problem-solving and empathy go out the window, leaving you and your partner in a communication deadlock.
Contrary to this old adage, sometimes hitting pause is the best move you can make. Stepping back allows you to cool down and tackle the issue with a clearer head, quite literally.
When you're in a calmer state, your brain functions better for healthy communication. You become more receptive to understanding rather than reacting impulsively. A pro tip is to ask yourself, “Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to respond?” If it’s the latter and you find yourself focused on the laundry list of all the ways your partner is doing wrong, that’s a good indicator that you and your partner may benefit from taking a break from that discussion. But it’s not just about cooling off; it’s about agreeing on when to return to the discussion. This acknowledgment is crucial—it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the issue without brushing it aside. It’s like sending a signal to their nervous system that says, “Hey, we’re in this together.”
Imagine it as a safety checklist for your brain during conflicts. Just as certain behaviors trigger alarm bells, others reassure us. If you notice symptoms like rapid heartbeat, shallow breath, or tunnel vision, it might be time for a breather. Recognizing these signals helps you stay present, manage discomfort, and lower those emotional barriers we put up when we feel threatened. Understanding how our brains react to conflict helps us approach disagreements with more empathy and patience. So next time tensions rise, take a step back, breathe, and remember: a little time and understanding can go a long way toward resolving issues in the end. So, if necessary, go to bed angry, sleep it off, and agree to revisit the conflict the next morning.
"Someone can't love you until you love yourself."
This statement implies that self-love is a prerequisite for receiving love from others. This is simply not true. Attachment theory provides valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and the development of self-esteem. It suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our internal working models of relationships, influencing how we perceive ourselves and others in adulthood. For instance, individuals with secure attachment styles tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust others, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle with feelings of unworthiness or fear of rejection. These attachment patterns can impact how we approach relationships and view ourselves.
Now, let's talk about this colloquial advice of having to love yourself before others can love you. It's like saying you have to have all the answers before you can ask for help. But in reality, adult relationships are a two-way street.
Just as we have the capacity to love others despite their flaws, others can love us even when we're struggling with our self-esteem.
Think about a time when a friend or partner showed you love and support during a tough period. Maybe you were going through a rough patch at work or dealing with a personal challenge. Their kindness and understanding didn't hinge on whether you had it all together. Instead, their love helped lift you up and reminded you of your worth.
That's the beauty of attachment theory—it reminds us that relationships can be a source of healing and growth. Therapy, especially approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), provides a space to unpack our attachment patterns and explore how they impact our relationships. Imagine sitting across from a therapist who listens without judgment, helping you untangle the knots of past experiences and beliefs about yourself. Together, you work through moments of vulnerability, gradually building a stronger sense of self-compassion and acceptance.
Through therapy, individuals can rewrite the narratives that hold them back, learning to embrace their imperfections and cultivate healthier relationship dynamics. It's like tending to the soil of your heart, nourishing it with love and understanding until it blossoms with confidence and resilience. So, while self-love is essential, it's not a solo journey. Secure and supportive relationships can be a catalyst for growth, offering us the love and acceptance we need to thrive. And therapy? Well, that's like having a trusted co-pilot on the road to self-discovery, guiding us toward deeper connections and a greater sense of fulfillment.
At Colorado Therapy Collective, our therapists are experts in assisting couples in cultivating secure attachments and integrating research-backed strategies to navigate their relationships effectively.
If you’re interested in our services, reach out to one of our therapists today for more information! We offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation for you and your partner to learn more about our services and make sure you find a therapist that feels like a good fit for you. Click here to schedule a consultation or initial session today!
