From Roommates to Lovers: Rekindling Romance in Long-Term Relationships – Part 1
It’s not uncommon for couples in long-term relationships to feel like they’ve drifted from romantic partners to cohabitants. Although feeling love for your partner may not always equate to a desire for them, life’s demands such as work, family responsibilities, and routine can cause the connection that once felt exhilarating to fade. But, it’s important to remember that even after many years together, relationships can still be intimate, passionate, and deeply connected. If you’re feeling more like roommates than lovers, it’s not too late to rekindle the romance.
As an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) couples therapist, I’ve seen how couples can transform their relationships by focusing on emotional safety, vulnerability, and connection. This blog is part one of a two-part series, offering practical strategies to help couples move from feeling disconnected to deeply connected. Stay tuned for part two, where we’ll explore more ways to introduce novelty, prioritize quality time, and enhance physical intimacy. Here are the first three steps and conversation starters to help you reignite the spark in your relationship.
1. Create Emotional Safety: Rebuild the Foundation of Your Connection
In long-term relationships, emotional connection can often take a backseat to the logistical concerns of daily life—who's picking up the kids, when the bills are due, where are holidays being spent, etc. However, emotional connection is the foundation of intimacy, and when couples lose this, unfortunately, the loss of romance follows.
One of the first steps to reigniting romance is to focus on creating emotional safety. This means being present and attuned to your partner's needs, feelings, and desires, and setting aside time for emotional conversations—not just discussing daily tasks. EFT emphasizes emotional attunement which is the ability to respond to your partner's emotional needs with care and understanding. Studies have shown that couples who engage in emotionally attuned conversations report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy (Johnson, 2004).
Conversation Starters:
"What do you need from me right now to feel more emotionally connected?"
"How can we make sure we’re both feeling heard and understood in our conversations?"
"What’s one thing I can do today to make you feel supported and safe in our relationship?"
2. Revisit Your Bonding Rituals: Small Acts of Affection Matter
Romantic connections often fade when couples stop engaging in small, meaningful gestures that reinforce their bond. Over time, the hugs, kisses, and playful exchanges may be replaced by routine and familiarity. These small acts of affection, however, are critical to maintaining intimacy.
Research supports that couples who engage in regular expressions of affection, whether through physical touch, kind words, or thoughtful gestures, experience greater emotional closeness and relationship satisfaction. A study by Dr. John Gottman (2014) found that small gestures of affection are directly linked to the stability of a relationship.
Revisit bonding rituals like holding hands during a walk, leaving sweet notes, or kissing each other hello and goodbye. These simple gestures can signal emotional closeness and reinforce your emotional bond.
Conversation Starters:
"What small gestures do you remember us doing that made you feel loved and appreciated?"
"How can we bring back a little more affection into our daily routine?"
"Would you like to start doing something small together each day, like holding hands or sharing a kiss before bed?"
3. Be Vulnerable: Open Up About Your Needs and Desires
One of the most powerful ways to reignite romance is through vulnerability. In long-term relationships, it's easy to fall into the habit of only discussing daily logistics. However, intimacy thrives on sharing deeper emotional needs and desires, whether physical, emotional, or relational.
Being open about your desires creates space for intimacy to flourish. Research shows that couples who openly communicate their emotional and physical needs experience higher levels of emotional intimacy and satisfaction. According to a study on communication in couples (Laurenceau et al., 2004), couples who regularly share personal feelings and vulnerabilities report deeper emotional connections.
Conversation Starters:
"I’ve been thinking about what makes me feel most loved by you. Can I share that with you?"
"Is there something you’ve been wanting to talk about, either emotionally or physically, but haven’t felt comfortable sharing yet?"
"How do you feel about our intimacy? Are there things you’d like to change or explore together?"
Rekindle Your Connection: Denver Couples Counseling
Reigniting the romance in a long-term relationship takes effort, but with emotional safety, affection, and vulnerability, couples can move from feeling like roommates to lovers again. By prioritizing emotional connection, revisiting bonding rituals, and being open about your needs, you can rebuild intimacy and rekindle that initial spark.
At Colorado Therapy Collective, our experienced couples therapists are here to guide you through the challenges that may be standing in the way of your relationship's happiness and intimacy. If you're looking for support in rekindling romance and strengthening your connection, our team can help you navigate these steps with expert care. For more information on what counseling for couples looks like with our team, check out our Couples Therapy specialty page. Stay tuned for Part 2 and if you’d like to explore how therapy can support your relationship journey fill out our contact form here and someone from our intake team will reach out to answer any questions you have!
References
Gottman, J. M. (2014). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.
Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2004). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: A daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(5), 1239–1251.
