How to STOP Conflict Cycles and Strengthen Your Relationship
Most couples who come into therapy ask for help managing conflict. Often, couples view problems as detrimental to their relationship. When conflict is at its worst, couples may feel despair, disconnection, and frustration. But, what if we told you there’s a way you can manage disagreements so that you are fueling your connection instead?
Before talking about a way to manage your disagreements, let's take a moment to understand what a conflict cycle is. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) we see conflict cycles as part of a negative cycle where unmet needs drive feelings of fear and longing. We also often see that once this cycle is identified, couples quickly start seeing it appear in their lives together and can manage it better with that bit of awareness. At Colorado Therapy Collective, all our therapists have formal training in this evidence-based model. For more information on how we utilize EFT with couples check out our Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy specialty page.
While awareness is a good first step, creating long-lasting change requires couples to also learn how to create a new, more positive cycle. Read on to learn the acronym STOP and how to use it to connect through conflict.
Slow Down: Pause to Give Space to Your Reaction
During conflict, it’s easy to get swept up in old cycles and interactional patterns. Racing thoughts may fill your head, and emotions may flood your body. When you can’t get clear about what’s happening inside of you, slow down the cycle so you can make sense of it.
Start to slow things down by:
Taking a big, deep breath or using box breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds) to soothe the nervous system
Practicing mindfulness with 5-4-3-2-1 (name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste)
Free writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal or an app on your phone
Asking to take a time out while acknowledging your desire to connect
Tune in: Connect with Your Feelings Before Communicating
Once you feel you’ve slowed down, tune into what your feelings are trying to tell you about what’s going on. Explore what’s going on in your inner world before you try to share it with your partner.
Ask yourself these questions to start to make sense of what’s happening inside:
What specifically happened that is making me upset?
What is going on in my body right now? Is there a particular sensation that’s occurring? Where is it? What does it feel like?
If that feeling could talk, what would it say to me?
What protective strategies am I using to cope with feeling like this right now? Can I own that?
From this vulnerable place, what fears do I have and what do I need to feel safe and connected to my partner?
Open Up: Share Vulnerably to Strengthen Your Bond
Now it’s time to share your experience of the situation with your partner. If possible, sit facing your partner and look into their eyes. Use what you learned from tuning into yourself to express what this is about for you. You might use the following formula, filling in the bracketed text with your own experience: When [this happens], you see me do [this protective strategy] because I feel [this way] and think [this belief]. I need [this longing], would you be able to support me?
Practice Empathy: Cultivate Understanding and Compassion
After you’ve shared more of your inner world with your partner, prepare to listen to their response with empathy. Remember that you’re ultimately on the same team and want to connect, hear one another, and resolve the conflict. When your partner is talking to you, try to listen from a place of understanding that they want to be connected with you and that the enemy is the cycle. If you can fulfill whatever it is they’re longing for, choose to because your partner is deeply important to you and you want them to feel safe and supported.
Get Support in STOPping the Cycle
Depending on what is happening, you may need to move through these steps more than once. That’s okay! Learning how to get comfortable with understanding and sharing your experiences is no easy feat. Whether you want to start a new relationship with your best foot forward, prepare for marriage, or improve your longtime partnership, getting support from an experienced therapist in figuring out how to connect through moments of conflict is a fail-safe way of protecting and improving your bond.
The Emotionally Focused Therapists for couples at CTC are eager to help you experience real change and STOP the cycle. Reach out to get support from our team today. To start, fill out our contact form here and schedule a 20-minute initial consultation so you can learn more about us, and, if you are ready, get matched with a therapist who will be the right fit for you!
