Untangling Love: An Attachment-Based Guide to Consensual Non-monogamy, Part 3 of 4
Part 3: Boundaries and Beyond: Negotiating Healthy Dynamics in Non-monogamous Relationships
In concert with effective and transparent communication, establishing clear boundaries is paramount for maintaining emotional and physical safety within consensual non-monogamous relationships. In this third segment of the ‘Untangling Love’ 4-part series, we delve into the art of boundary-setting, exploring how to define and negotiate boundaries that honor individual and relational needs that respect each partner. From logistical agreements to consent, you’ll gain insights into how to put these important relational concepts into practice.
What Are Boundaries?
Sex educator and psychologist, Dr. Rhea Orion describes boundaries as "guidelines with flexibility." In the context of non-monogamous relationships, establishing clear boundaries is paramount for ensuring both emotional and physical safety for all involved. Boundaries function as guidelines delineating acceptable behavior and play a crucial role in preventing misunderstandings or conflicts. Boundaries are meant to protect relationships. It's important to note that boundaries are often mistaken for requests, but they primarily serve you rather than others involved. They do not aim to control others but rather serve as a means of articulating how you will react to specific expectations being met or not.
For instance, a boundary is not, "I need you to stop expecting me to say yes to all social activities you invite me to." Instead, a boundary is, "I understand that you prefer that I accept all social invitations. However, I want to clarify that there will be times I want to decline. It's essential for me to have space for myself, and I may not always be interested in participating." This distinction emphasizes that boundaries are about asserting your needs and preferences while maintaining respect for yourself and others in the relationship.
As you navigate these negotiations and discussions, be sure to cultivate a sense of shared experiences and rituals to strengthen your emotional bond and create a sense of belonging within the relationship network. Foster a culture of mutual respect, appreciation, and validation among all parties involved. It's also crucial to revisit and renegotiate boundaries periodically as relationships evolve and circumstances change. Check-in with your partners regularly to ensure that everyone still feels comfortable and respected within the established boundaries.
The Logistics
Part of negotiating boundaries will involve logistical agreements; consider factors such as sexual health, time management, emotional intimacy, and communication protocols. Be willing to compromise and find solutions that meet everyone's needs and comfort levels. Dr. Orion suggests starting by defining logistical terms, then addressing personal issues. This approach ensures a solid foundation for communication and understanding. To get a clear picture of the relationship Dr. Orion suggests considering things like: “How many partners are there? What is the living situation? If there are children, whose are they? Are any negotiated and articulated agreements, rules, or boundaries in place? If so, what are they? And if not, why not?”. Clear and concrete communication about logistical topics, like schedules and boundaries, is essential for effective management. However, if practical solutions don't resolve logistical issues or if they lead to more conflict, personal challenges may arise. It's important to step back and examine how you and your partner(s) may hold differences in values and beliefs and how these influence each other’s perspectives and expectations of how logistics are agreed upon.
“Remember all frustration is based on unmet expectations. If we did not expect anything we would not be frustrated.”
Consent is Key
Consent is a fundamental pillar of consensual non-monogamy, often defining the negotiation process in these relationships. When striving to reach compromises and agreements, it's essential that all parties involved have a clear understanding of the terms being discussed. This clarity ensures that each individual can make informed decisions and provide confident consent to the agreements reached. Consent in CNM isn't just about agreeing to specific actions or arrangements; it's about actively participating in the negotiation process and having a voice in shaping the dynamics of the relationships. Prioritizing consent and promoting open communication enables individuals to cultivate relationships built on trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This entails engaging in transparent dialogue where all parties openly share their needs, boundaries, and desires. Such communication enables each person to fully comprehend the agreements being made and empowers them to voice any concerns or reservations they may have. Genuine consent can only be given when everyone is thoroughly informed and comfortable with the terms established.
CNM Therapy Support in Denver
Our team of therapists affirms diverse relationship structures and is here to support you. Want more details about how CNM Therapy looks at CTC? Check out our ENM Therapy Specialty page for more information. To schedule a session or have a free initial consultation with someone from our intake team, then fill out our contact form here.
