Untangling Love: An Attachment-Based Guide to Consensual Non-monogamy, Part 4 of 4
Love Unbound: Preventing Attachment Injuries and Cultivating Compassion in CNM
As we wrap up our series, let’s shift our attention to preventing attachment injuries in non-monogamous relationships. By understanding three crucial aspects, conflict, and deep relational pain can be avoided. From resolving pre-existing conflicts to navigating the excitement of new relationships and finding joy in your partners’ happiness, you’ll discover how to foster resilience, empathy, and more intimate connections within non-monogamous dynamics.
CNM is Not a Quick Fix
Before embarking on a consensual non-monogamous relationship and involving additional partners, it's crucial to address any underlying conflicts or issues within the existing relationship. This is particularly pertinent for individuals transitioning from monogamy to CNM arrangements. It's essential to recognize that consensual non-monogamy is not a quick fix for pre-existing relationship problems. In fact, introducing CNM without addressing underlying conflicts can potentially exacerbate issues and lead to further complications. Opening up a relationship requires a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual understanding between partners. Without these elements in place, CNM can strain the existing relationship and cause distress for everyone involved.
As previously recommended, before or while exploring CNM, it's advisable for partners to engage in open and honest discussions about their relationship dynamics, desires, and boundaries. This includes addressing any unresolved conflicts, insecurities, or communication barriers that may exist.
Seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist or relationship counselor can also be beneficial in navigating these discussions and strengthening the relationship. By addressing existing conflicts and laying a solid groundwork of trust and communication, partners can embark on the journey of consensual non-monogamy with greater clarity, understanding, and resilience, setting the foundation for secure attachments.
Navigating “New Relationship Energy”
As formally stated, it's entirely normal, and even common, to experience feelings of jealousy within romantic relationships, including those within CNM relationships. If you or one of your partners encounters this emotion, it's crucial to start by acknowledging and normalizing it. Then, approach the situation with curiosity and compassion, seeking to understand the underlying factors driving these feelings. Jealousy can stem from various sources, such as the fear of losing one's partner or the fear of being replaced or forgotten. For instance, when a partner initiates a new relationship, they may experience what's known as "new relationship energy" (NRE). Psychologist Dr. John Gottman refers to the physiological experience of this as "limerence." During this stage, individuals may feel butterflies, excitement, and an intense fascination with the new partner. However, it's natural for the existing partner to feel left out and subsequently experience feelings of loneliness and jealousy.
Beyond recognizing and accepting these natural emotional responses, it's important to consider the broader societal influences at play. In a mononormative society, there's a common expectation that partners should find complete happiness exclusively within their relationship. This societal narrative can intensify feelings of jealousy and inadequacy when faced with the reality of multiple romantic connections. By recognizing these societal norms and openly addressing feelings of jealousy within consensually non-monogamous relationships, individuals can promote greater understanding, empathy, and resilience in their partnerships. Open communication, validation of emotions, and a commitment to exploring underlying concerns are vital steps in managing jealousy and reinforcing trust and connection in CNM relationships.
Compersion: A Positive Emotional Response
In non-monogamous relationships, cultivating a secure attachment may involve compersion. Compersion refers to experiencing a positive emotional response to a loved one's other relationships. It's akin to the joy a parent might feel upon seeing their adult child happy in a romantic relationship (Orion, 2018, p.66). Societal norms within monogamy often discourage compersion, as they typically emphasize the expectation that a single partner should fulfill all of one's needs. This conditioning may hinder individuals from naturally experiencing compersion. Therefore, it’s crucial to examine the narrative behind emotional responses within these relationships, as it can heavily influence how certain emotions persist. For example, if my upbringing and belief system tells me I’m the only one that should make my partner happy, then, it makes sense that I would feel jealous when I learn that my partner experiences romantic feelings and joy with someone else as well.
Conversely, a partner experiencing compersion might express sentiments such as, "I feel joy when I see my wife happy after spending time with her girlfriend. Her happiness brings me happiness." This attitude challenges the notion that love and commitment must be exclusive to one person and acknowledges that positive emotions can be shared and amplified across multiple relationships. Compersion underscores the idea that feelings and commitments are not mutually exclusive or in competition with each other. Experiencing love and joy with one partner does not diminish the capacity for love and joy in other relationships. On the contrary, these positive experiences can enrich and enhance how a partner shows up in their various relationships, fostering a deeper sense of connection and fulfillment for all involved.
In conclusion, navigating non-monogamy requires intentional effort, communication, and negotiation. By adopting an attachment-based approach, prioritizing clear communication and boundary-setting, and understanding common experiences like NRE and compersion, individuals can cultivate healthy, fulfilling, and secure relationships within non-monogamous dynamics. Remember that every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy. Trust your instincts, prioritize self-awareness, and prioritize the well-being of yourself and your partners as you embark on this journey of exploration and growth.
Need ENM Therapy Support?
If you and your partner(s) are needing additional support in navigating your non-monogamous relationship arrangements, schedule a no-pressure consultation with one of the skilled Denver couples therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective, give us a call at 720-204-8589, or easily schedule online here. You’re just a conversation away from compassionate and expert relationship help. Want more information on how ENM therapy works at CTC? Check out our Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Therapy specialty page!
Citations:
Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press, LLC.
Gottman, J. The Three Phases of Love. Retrieved March 18, 2024 from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love/
Orion, R. (2018). A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage. Routledge.
