How to ATTUNE to create Attachment Security With Your Partner
When working with an emotionally focused therapist (EFT) the primary goal of the model is to give you a map out of your relational distress, and back into connection with your partner. Just reading that sentence you might be thinking, “easier said than done.” It is true, I tell that to my clients often. When we feel stuck in conflict there can be a felt sensation of freeze or panic. We know we are feeling stuck, we know our therapist said to slow down, but what do we do now?
This is when you tap into your heart space, and remember that you and your partner are both humans with attachment longings that can feel threatened when in conflict. Then, this is where a handy little acronym, ATTUNE, comes in. In this blog post you’ll learn about the concept of emotional attunement, its importance, and how to utilize the ATTUNE tool created by relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman.
What is Emotional Attunement?
Emotional attunement is the ability to accurately read and respond to another person's emotional cues. It goes beyond just hearing what the other person is saying; it involves understanding their feelings, validating their experiences, and showing empathy. It is an act of pulling out your magnifying glass to get a felt understanding of what they are experiencing.
“No one can dance with a partner and not touch each other’s raw spots. We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us.”
The Importance of Emotional Attunement
This is what makes emotional attunement so valuable. It builds trust, enhances communication, and can pull our partner in closely. It is a gift to know your partner’s raw spots, and there are always new opportunities to do so. When you are emotionally attuned, you can then feel deeply understood, valued, and supported. Which contributes to a secure and healthy relationship. When we experience that sense of security, we experience freedom to just “be,” an increase in positive mood, resilience, and a more meaningful relationship.
How do you ATTUNE?
Dr. John Gottman developed this tangible acronym, ATTUNE, to build harmonious closeness in your relationship whether you are experiencing the immediacy of emotional distress in conflict, or there has been a lag in your emotional connection recently. Here is a step-by-step breakdown of the acronym.
1. Develop Emotional Awareness
Awareness is the first letter in the ATTUNE model. It involves being a noticer of your partner's emotional state and recognizing when it is time to turn towards them. This requires paying close attention to verbal and non-verbal cues, and simply noticing when they are openly trying to express an experience of their emotional state directly to you.
Building awareness may take time as you begin to deeply understand the dance of your conflict cycle, and what cues your partner might show when they are needing your attunement. As well as for your partner to take ownership, and express directly that they need your support. Maybe it’s when you are reuniting after a long day of work, or winding down for bed. Simply put, awareness can take practice.
Practical Steps to Enhance Awareness
Active Listening: Practice listening without interrupting or planning your response. This is the active piece of listening. It is so common to have thoughts of your own, or even experience anxiety on how to respond. Take a deep breath, and simply notice those thoughts. Then return to what your partner is saying.
Observe Body Language: Pay attention to your partner's facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice. A deep sigh, a gaze staring off into space, or a raised tone. These are signs your partner may be weathering an emotional storm.
Ask Questions: Show genuine interest in your partner's feelings by asking open-ended questions. Think who, what, when, where, why? Or something simple like, “can you help me understand?”e way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
2. Turn Toward Your Partner
Turning Toward involves responding positively to your partner's outward bids for connection. These bids can be simple gestures, like a smile or a request for attention. They can even involve the examples above, like a deep sigh, or a look towards you.
Ways to Turn Toward Your Partner
Acknowledge Bids: Respond to your partner's attempts to connect with a verbal acknowledgement, and or question to begin engaging purposefully.
Show Appreciation: It sometimes feels like a risk to outwardly share what you are feeling. Especially if the moment exists in the midst of your conflict cycle. If you can, try to express gratitude for your partner's efforts to share.
3. Practice Tolerance
Tolerance is about accepting and respecting differences. It's normal for partners to have disagreements, and if what your partner has to say somehow involves you. It can make it even more challenging. This part, you can work through with your therapist on how to identify when you may be feeling flooded. When you build in that awareness, you can build the tolerance to remember this is also about your partner’s experience.
Strategies to Cultivate Tolerance
Notice the desire to Blame: Blame is a tactic that shifts away responsibility, and distances yourself from the situation. It is a defense mechanism, which is a protective response that can help try to build security internally when there is discomfort. Remember that while normal, it can also be a threat to the bond you have with your partner.
Self Soothe: this can be a moment where you practice emotional regulation. It is common to feel guilt, or even sadness when you hear more about how this conflict is impacting them. Take a moment to breathe, and take notes on what you are seeing in yourself to further explore or even express.
4. Strive for Understanding
Understanding means making an effort to comprehend your partner's perspective, and emotional experience. Once you are at this point on the ATTUNE ladder, you may already have a better understanding of what is coming up for your partner. This is a point, to dig just a little bit deeper.
Tips for Demonstrating Understanding
Reflect Back: Paraphrase in your own words what your partner has said to show you are listening, and seeking to understand. This may feel simple, but is incredibly useful to help slow things down.
Validate Feelings: Validation of your partner’s feelings shows acknowledgement, even if you don't agree with their perspective.
Be Curious: Ask questions to gain deeper insight into your partner's thoughts and feelings.
5. Respond Non-Defensively
Non-Defensive Responding involves staying open to your partner's feedback without becoming defensive. This can help prevent a conflict from escalating, and is a vital part of attuning to your partner's experience.
Techniques for Non-Defensive Responding
Know your Cues: How do you know when you are starting to experience defensiveness? Do you experience felt sensations? Bring in the inner awareness to remain present in active listening.
Take a Pause & Prepare: Before responding, take a moment to self soothe. Remember that your defensive part may be present. Know that you can empower yourself to slow down and not let it take over.
Accept Responsibility: No one is perfect, and accepting responsibility does not make you a bad person. The more you can get better at this, and better at taking feedback. The more ease there will be in these moments of repair.
Remember your Worth: Sometimes defensiveness is present to protect deep feelings of guilt, or shame. Remember, that you are a worthy person who is always evolving, and that this moment can be something to grow from.
6. Cultivate Empathy
Empathy is the last step of successfully ATTUNE-ing to your partner’s emotional world. It shows that you are able to be a responsive, and accessible partner in a time of need. Empathy is the ability to understand and express support surrounding your partner's feelings. It is a crucial final step, and an important muscle to build over time.
Ways to Show Empathy
Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Have you had a similar experience, or even felt a similar feeling? Can you imagine what it might feel like to be in their shoes? Slow down to truly digest what it may feel like.
Offer Support: Provide comfort and reassurance when your partner is distressed. What do you know about them, as far as what may feel comforting to them? A hug? A sticky note with a written expression of care? Think of unique ways to show support!
Express Compassion: Show that you care about your partner's well-being and experiences. Let them know that they matter to you, and offer that to yourself in the meantime as well.er it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Conclusion
Dr. John Gottman's ATTUNE tool offers a comprehensive and tangible approach to building attachment security in your relationship. By developing emotional awareness, turning toward your partner, practicing tolerance, striving for understanding, responding non-defensively, and cultivating empathy, you can create a stronger, more secure bond with your partner. Implementing these strategies can lead to a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.
Need help with this? The therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective are experts in fostering connection and emotional engagement and are here to help! For more information, reach out to us here or call 720-204-8589 and one of our therapists will get in touch with you about scheduling a complimentary 20-minute consultation to talk more about your goals in improving your relationship.
