Understanding Marital Doubt

Experiencing marital doubt can be a complex and emotionally challenging journey. It's natural to feel apprehensive, confused, and overwhelmed when questioning the foundation of your relationship. Luckily, we have a team of therapists who specialize in helping you navigate marital doubt using Discernment Counseling in our Denver offices and across Colorado via teletherapy. Before we dive into how Discernment Counseling can help, let’s get clear about what marital doubt is. As we explore these signs, approach the subject with empathy – both for ourselves and our partners.

Defining Marital Doubt

Marital doubt manifests as persistent thoughts questioning the longevity or viability of your marriage. These doubts may surface during heightened conflict or quiet reflection on your relationship satisfaction. The frequency and intensity of these doubts are crucial factors to consider. The key sometimes lies in understanding the root of this ambivalence and recognizing how it can illuminate your needs, your partner, and your relationship.

Common Causes of Marital Doubt

Several factors can contribute to the emergence of marital doubt. As you read along, take note of which of these factors you relate to. Notice what resonates and how that feels for you. Anxiety and fear may start to creep in. That is okay; label it as something important to you to continue exploring.

Perpetual Unresolved Conflict: Do you and your partner find yourselves caught in a loop of recurring arguments, unable to find common ground? In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we refer to this as your "negative cycle." This pattern can lead to feelings of helplessness and, at times, hopelessness about the future of your relationship.
Lack of Intimacy: If you notice a growing distance between you and your partner, where you're consistently leaning away from each other rather than towards each other, you may be experiencing emotional distance. Prolonged periods of this disconnection can naturally lead to questioning the foundation of your relationship.
Incompatible Goals or Differences in Values: Value misalignment can be a significant source of marital doubt. As we evolve individually, our values may shift, potentially creating discord in the relationship. This misalignment might manifest in disagreements about financial management, parenting styles, career aspirations, or lifestyle choices.
Turning into Roommates: A repeated experience of you and your partner feeling like you are "two ships passing in the night" can certainly breed thoughts of ambivalence. This may be caused by repeated occurrences of the above experiences or lives so full that you're having difficulty making time for one another.
Infidelity: If infidelity has tarnished your relationship, this can be a major cause for marital doubt. Infidelity can cause the person who experienced the betrayal to question the foundation of their relationship and whether they want to continue in it. This is a natural response to such a significant attachment injury.

Recognizing the Signs of Marital Doubt

Having explored the nature of marital doubt and its potential origins, let's look at the subtle yet significant emotional indicators and behavioral shifts that often accompany these introspective thoughts.

Emotional Indicators & Behavior Shifts

Marital doubt often manifests through a range of emotions and might change how you interact with your partner. You might experience:

Persistent anxiety or unease about your relationship that impacts your daily life
Feelings of resentment or indifference towards your partner
A sense of loneliness even when you are with your partner
Increased irritability or emotional reactivity

Avoiding quality time or intimate moments with your partner, especially ones that you enjoyed with them in the past
Increased focus on individual activities, work, or friendships
Reluctance to make future plans together
Changes in communication patterns, such as decreased sharing or increased criticism

The Impact of Marital Doubt

Effects on Individual Well-being

Marital doubt can significantly impact your well-being. As social beings meant for connection, the experience of doubting a once-deep partnership can be incredibly painful. You might find yourself preoccupied, anxious, and struggling to focus on daily tasks. This is a natural response to what feels like a threat to a meaningful connection and the dreams you've held for your future. The crucial question becomes: how do we constructively navigate these signs of doubt?

Navigating Marital Doubt

At CTC, we understand the challenges of marital doubt and how it can be a profoundly isolating experience. Marital doubt is often kept private to avoid upsetting your partner or alarming loved ones, exacerbating anxiety and loneliness. Some days might feel like an emotional rollercoaster, leaving you unsure how to find steady ground.

To navigate this uncertainty:

Practice self-compassion: Recognize that doubt can be a normal part of long-term relationships. Remember you are not alone in experiencing marital doubt.
Journal your thoughts: Writing your thoughts down can be therapeutic and help you identify patterns or outliers.
Engage in self-care: Maintain your physical and mental health during this stressful period. Engage in activities that feel uplifting for your emotional well-being.
Seek support: Consider confiding in a trusted friend or family member. Consider individual therapy to sort out what these doubts mean for you.
Reflect on your relationship's history: Identify what once brought you together, what you've been successful at navigating together, what patterns you've noticed, and what role you played in those patterns.

While doubt can exist throughout marriages and may eventually dissipate, persistent doubt that impacts your daily life requires attention. If you've openly expressed your concerns to your partner and are questioning whether divorce or separation might be the next step, it's time to consider professional help - either Couples Therapy or Discernment Counseling.

At CTC we generally suggest that couples therapy is a great option for addressing concerns in your relationship. When you can talk openly with your partner about concerns or dissatisfaction in the relationship, you have an opportunity to work together toward improvement.

However, sometimes people have been dealing with marital doubt for so long that they are reluctant to try couples therapy, or they don’t believe it can help the problems they are seeing. Often, this leaves them stuck in limbo without a clear path forward. This is where Discernment Counseling can help.

Seeking a Path Forward with Discernment Counseling

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a specialized approach designed for couples where one or both partners are experiencing enough marital doubt to consider divorce, and in which both partners are not open to couples therapy. It's a short-term process aimed at helping you gain clarity and confidence about the future direction of your relationship. It is important to note that Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy. This is a very structured protocol designed by William J. Doherty from the University of Minnesota. The goal is not to fix your relationship with this short-term approach, but rather to understand your marital doubt and decide on a path forward.

How Discernment Counseling Can Help

This approach can:

Provide a structured environment to explore relationship concerns
Help you understand your contributions to the relationship dynamics
Offer clarity on whether to work on the relationship or move towards separation

When you've gotten what you need from Discernment Counseling, you will have decided on one of three paths: remain status quo and stay in your relationship as is, without a commitment to a process for change; decide on divorce/separation with support from your Discernment Counselor on a collaborative process; or commit to 6 months of couples therapy in which divorce/separation is off the table. If you have more questions about how the Discernment Counseling process works, then check out our specialty page that describes the process in detail.

While marital doubt can be unsettling, it also presents an opportunity for personal and relational growth. By approaching this uncertainty with openness, compassion, and a willingness to explore, you can gain valuable insights about yourself and your relationship. Whether the path forward leads to recommitment or a thoughtful separation, the process of addressing marital doubt can lead to greater self-awareness and more authentic relationships.

Discernment Counseling Denver

Are you unsure if Discernment Counseling is the right path for you? Fill out our contact form to schedule a complimentary, no-obligation consultation with one of our intake coordinators. During this conversation, we'll listen to your concerns, answer your questions, and help you understand what Discernment Counseling entails. Take that first step towards understanding your options – we're here to support you every step of the way.

Exploring Marital Doubt: How Discernment Counseling Offers Clarity