Denial: Friend or Foe? Understanding the Role of Denial in Addressing Relationship Issues
As a couples therapist, I have the privilege of supporting couples through a variety of relationship issues. One common, yet understated obstacle is denial. While it might seem like a negative trait, denial can serve several functions that both hinder and help the process of addressing relationship issues.
What is Denial?
Denial is when we refuse to accept or acknowledge something that's happening. In relationships, it can look like this:
Downplaying Problems: One or both partners might say, "It's not that bad," even when something is. Another common presentation is when a crisis is absent, partners may automatically assume that the relationship is doing well.
Blaming Others: Instead of owning up to issues, partners might say, "Well, if you didn’t do XYZ, we wouldn’t be having this problem" or “It’s only a problem because you worry about it”, along with blaming external factors.
Avoiding Discussions: There might be a reluctance to talk about the real issues at hand. Some partners might say, “I don’t see the point in bringing up the past; it already happened.”
Why Do We Use Denial in Relationships?
1. Protection from Overwhelming Emotions
Denial can act as a shield against feeling overwhelmed. Being in a romantic relationship will touch on deep fears and insecurities, and confronting these can be really hard. Denial provides a temporary break from intense emotions like anxiety, sadness, shame, or anger.
2. Keeping Self-Esteem Intact
Facing relationship issues, especially those that highlight our own flaws, can be a blow to our self-esteem. Denial helps protect our self-esteem by deflecting blame or minimizing our role in the problem.
3. Avoiding Immediate Conflict
Acknowledging and addressing issues often leads to conflict, which many of us find uncomfortable. Denial helps keep the peace in the short term by avoiding confrontations but exacerbates it in the long-term.
The Downside of Denial in Relationships
While denial might provide short-term relief, it can cause long-term harm. Ignored problems don't go away—they just build up, leading to resentment, increased conflict, and emotional distance. Eventually, the relationship might suffer serious damage due to these unresolved issues. Denial is like a wall that protects you, but it’s also the same wall that distances you from achieving emotional intimacy and connection with your partner.
Moving Past Denial with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Take a look at our Emotionally Focused Therapy page for more detailed insights on the model. EFT and attachment theory provide a helpful framework for moving beyond denial and toward healing. Here are some recommendations:
1. Create a Safe Environment
Creating a safe, non-judgmental space is crucial. Both partners need to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Feeling safe helps lower defenses and face uncomfortable truths. In EFT, this is known as establishing a secure base, where each partner feels supported and understood. With a secure base, partners can safely explore uncharted territories and express vulnerable emotions. Discomfort will be present, but it does not interfere with the process of navigating difficult subjects.
2. Build Awareness Through Exploration
EFT emphasizes the importance of exploring underlying emotions and attachment needs. Recognizing when you're in denial involves looking into past experiences and understanding the reasons behind your defense mechanisms. This self-awareness can help you see the patterns in your relationship and why they exist. Understanding the function that denial has served in your life, can shed light as to why you may default to using this protective strategy instead of collaborating with your partner to work through difficult issues.
3. Take Responsibility and Own Your Part
Each partner needs to acknowledge their role in the relationship dynamics. This isn't about assigning blame but understanding how your actions, words, or inactions contribute to the issues. In EFT, this is about taking ownership of your emotional responses and how they impact your partner. This is done by tracking your relationship’s negative cycle and exploring your contribution to it. It’s important to note, that this does not apply to relationships experiencing abuse.
4. Develop Empathy and Connection
Empathy is a powerful tool against denial. When you understand and feel the impact of your actions on your partner, it becomes harder to stay in denial. EFT focuses on fostering emotional attunement and empathy, helping partners move from self-protection to mutual understanding and support.
5. Address Attachment Injuries
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples address and heal attachment injuries—those deep emotional wounds that often fuel denial and defensive behaviors. By understanding and healing these injuries, couples can develop a stronger, more secure attachment to each other.
When couples have a secure attachment, they can experience conflict without feeling that it threatens the relationship. At its best, conflict can become an opportunity to build a deeper connection. When couples confront and work through issues together, there is a sense of support and connection, rather than the loneliness and fear that arise when we retreat into survival mechanisms and protective stances. By viewing the negative cycle as the problem, rather than each other, couples can navigate conflicts more constructively and maintain their emotional bond.
Conclusion
Denial is a natural defense mechanism in relationships, protecting us from immediate emotional pain and conflict. However, for relationships to thrive, couples need to learn to move beyond denial and face their issues together. Using the principles of EFT and attachment theory—creating a safe environment, building awareness, taking responsibility, developing empathy, and addressing attachment injuries—couples can address their problems constructively and strengthen their bond.
EFT Therapy for Couples
Navigating relationship issues doesn't have to be daunting and overwhelming. If you or your partner struggle to identify, confront, and work through your relationship issues, check out our team of relationship experts on our team page. All our therapists are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Unsure of which service best fits your needs? Fill out our contact form to speak with one of our intake coordinators, who can help you make the right decision.
