4 Reasons Why Timing is Key in Building Emotional Safety

As a couples counselor, I'm often seeking resources to better support my clients. Recently, I've been listening to "The Secure Love" podcast by Julie Mennono, LMFT, a trained Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT). In this series, Julie guides a real couple through EFT sessions, frequently emphasizing throughout their sessions how much "timing matters" in relationships.

What does ‘timing matters’ mean though? Consider this scenario: Your partner is driving, stressed about finding the location of your child's birthday party, with restless kids in the backseat. This isn't the ideal moment to discuss your feelings about staying home with the kids all week and feeling resentful that they get to go to work every day. In their heightened state, your partner simply won't have the capacity to truly hear and process your concerns.

Your concerns still deeply matter, yet it is important to slow down and think about the timing for those feelings to truly be heard. Read on to dive a bit deeper into the top 4 reasons why timing matters, and how it can guide you towards an emotionally safe and secure foundation.

Being Online, Open, and Available

The scenario above paints a picture of this point. Not every moment is going to breed an environment for emotional safety and engagement. It's essential to consider both your own and your partner's emotional state before engaging in significant discussions.

Being "online" means your amygdala - the brain's threat detection center - isn't hijacked. When you're in this state, you're better able to offer presence, availability, and responsiveness to your partner's feelings, and vice versa. 

If your partner rarely opens up and chooses to do so at a moment when you feel triggered, it is important to pause. It takes about six seconds for the stress chemicals released during an amygdala hijack to dissipate. This brief pause can make a significant difference in how you receive and respond to your partner's vulnerability.

Recognizing when both you and your partner are available creates opportunities for meaningful connection, even if the timing isn't perfect. It's about finding those moments when you're both capable of truly hearing and responding to each other's needs and attachment longings.

Repairing Wounds

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) emphasizes healing attachment wounds in relationships. This is a bit different than an attachment injury, which can come from repeated small hurts. These are also important, but a major attachment wound often leaves partners feeling isolated, vulnerable, and disconnected for an extended period.

Unaddressed wounds can hinder the ability to offer or receive emotional safety in future interactions. Sometimes, life's demands or lack of proper language to express feelings can prevent healing these wounds. The good news is we can identify how these wounds show up, how they impact timing and can heal from them. If you’ve found yourself struggling with a relational attachment wound, our EFT Specialty Page offers information on how we support the healing process.

Readiness for Change

Timing in relationships sometimes hinges on each partner's readiness for change. Couples are more likely to address issues productively when both feel emotionally safe and prepared to engage. Pressuring an unwilling partner can lead to resistance or further disconnection.

It's important to recognize that withdrawal or distancing doesn’t always indicate a lack of readiness. For those with avoidant tendencies, stepping back may be a coping mechanism to regain emotional safety. They might be ready if they show accountability, make efforts to improve the relationship, and engage in self-reflection.

If these signs are absent, it may not be the right time to push for reconnection. Respecting each partner’s readiness is essential for fostering lasting positive change. 

Addressing Issues Early

Creating emotional safety often involves addressing problems early, rather than waiting for a relationship crisis. Many of us delay discussing injuries, arguments, or unmet needs for various reasons.

You might not have the ability to identify and communicate your emotional needs - a common issue many face and were not taught how to. Or perhaps you don't feel internally safe enough to express emotional pain in the moment.

Remember, you don't have to wait for a crisis to seek help. Even if your relationship isn't in distress, learning to address issues early can prevent future problems. We're here to support you in developing these tools to capitalize on the right timing in your relationship before it is too late!

The Power of Timing: Reach Out Today

Understanding the importance of timing in relationships can significantly improve your connection with your partner. Whether it's recognizing when you're emotionally open, addressing issues early, or healing past wounds, timing plays a crucial role in creating and maintaining emotional safety.

You don't have to navigate these challenges alone. Our team of experienced couples counselors is here to support you in building a stronger, more secure relationship where you can identify ‘the right time’ in your relationship.

Ready to improve your relationship? Fill out our contact form here for an initial consultation with us today. Taking the first step can feel daunting, so we are here to help answer any questions and support you along the way.