How Emotionally Focused Therapy Helps with Conflict Resolution
"No one can dance with a partner and not touch each other's raw spots. We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us." - Dr. Sue Johnson
The Role of Emotions in Conflict Resolution
This quote from Dr. Sue Johnson's seminal work, "Hold Me Tight," captures the essence of relationship dynamics and conflict. When clients enter our CTC office space, they often recognize this turquoise book displayed among our resources. This very book includes concepts of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a scientifically validated therapeutic model, supported by rigorous research demonstrating its effectiveness in conflict de-escalation and the cultivation of secure emotional bonds. Let's dive into the specifics of how EFT can help you become investigators and drivers of your own conflict dance.
Understanding The Dance of Your Conflict
Couples frequently describe their conflicts with phrases like, "we just keep spinning our wheels in conversation," or "it feels like we're going in circles." These metaphors aptly capture what in EFT we identify as the negative interaction cycle—structured patterns of communication, perception, emotional responses, and defensive behaviors that create a repetitive loop between partners.
These patterns are manifestations of deeper attachment dynamics that exist beneath the surface, much like an iceberg. What remains largely hidden are unmet attachment needs, relationship longings, and primary emotional vulnerabilities. The initial phase of EFT, with the support of your therapist, involves developing a deep understanding of this dynamic and accessing the vulnerable emotions beneath defensive reactions.
During therapy sessions, you will learn to communicate directly with your partner about what truly lies behind critical statements, how your body physiologically responds to perceived withdrawal, and how these reactions connect to fundamental human need for attachment longings. This process of identifying and understanding your negative cycle represents the first step towards de-escalation and shifting your dance.
Using EFT Communication Tools for Conflict Resolution
EFT is a process-oriented model where a lot of time is spent exploring and processing internal experiences during conflict. Below are examples of how your EFT therapist will guide you through these interactions using these communication skills.
Speaking For Your Protective Response Rather Than From: When attachment alarm systems activate and emotional flooding occurs, defensive reactions naturally emerge. EFT therapy can help you recognize this and communicate what you are feeling in the moment.
Example: "When I hear you say I don't prioritize you, I notice myself becoming defensive. I want to understand, but need a moment to collect myself."
Softening Your Approach: Intense emotional reactions often arise when feeling misunderstood, unheard, or deprioritized. EFT Therapy facilitates connection with the vulnerable emotions beneath this intensity, enabling gentler communication.
Example: "I sometimes feel unheard and experience isolation when this happens. I desire closeness with you, and when you ask questions or reflect back what you understand, I feel more connected to you."
Reframing Your Conflict Dance: Externalizing your negative cycle creates significant perspective shifts. Recognizing that both partners have neurobiological wiring for security and that working together against the conflict pattern rather than against each other becomes essential.
Example: "Let's remember we're on the same team here. I want to work through this with you."
Expressing Your Needs and Vulnerabilities: This fundamental piece helps inform all aspects of healthier communication. Many people have limited experience articulating their needs and vulnerabilities for many reasons. We help normalize this and build comfort with the process.
Example: "I fear I'll never be good enough for you. When I feel this fear, I experience inadequacy and begin to withdraw. When our conflict activates this shutdown response, your comfort helps tremendously."
Attentive Listening: While expressing vulnerabilities and needs is vital, equally important is receiving this communication with presence. Developing the capacity to recognize underlying attachment messages, longings, and vulnerabilities through attentive listening enables genuine reflection and validation.
Providing Validation and Responsiveness: This creates powerful opportunities for neuroplastic change. When vulnerability is met with validation and emotional responsiveness, it generates positive shifts toward emotional safety and security.
Example: "Thank you for trusting me with this part of yourself. I feel a sense of closeness when you share this with me and your fear of inadequacy makes complete sense. I want to understand more."
The Counterintuitive Shift From Defense to Vulnerability
One of the core tenets of conflict resolution in EFT is letting go of your defenses and shifting into vulnerability. For many this feels like a stark contrast to our automatic responses and often what we've been taught when it comes to vulnerability. However, it is proven that offering this, especially in moments of tough spots, can create psychological safety and reciprocal openness that leads to meaningful resolution.
The goal is not to avoid conflict, but to make it meaningful and an opportunity to learn more about your partner.
Conflict can lead to connection and allow you to dance with your partner in a way that holds their raw spots and yours with gentle care.
From there it makes it easier to find a place to work through decision making and informed compromise without neglecting the core tenets of emotional safety and attachment longings.
EFT Therapy for Conflict Resolution
At CTC all of our therapists are trained in EFT and are here to support couples on their journey to healthy conflict repair. Curious to learn more? If you'd like to hear from our team directly, then fill out our contact form to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation.
