How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship
Practical Steps to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
The idea of setting boundaries in relationships can feel intimidating at first. Some people worry that establishing boundaries means creating distance when all they want is closeness. Others may fear that speaking up about their discomfort will push their partner away. However, boundaries are not about building walls—they are essential for maintaining both closeness and emotional safety. When set with care, they can actually increase feelings of security and connection.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we view boundaries as a way for individuals to express their attachment needs and longings. When these needs are seen as gifts rather than burdens, they create opportunities for deeper connection.
Boundaries, in this context, are not rigid demands but flexible invitations—ways to bring your partner into your inner world while ensuring emotional safety for both of you.
Fostering emotional security through healthy boundaries strengthens your relationship, making it more fulfilling and resilient. In this blog post, you'll learn how to create boundaries that act as bridges, not barriers, helping you and your partner stay close while respecting each other's needs.
Step 1: Understand Your Relationship with Boundaries
Your attachment style, the way you relate to relationships, can influence how you feel about setting boundaries.
Anxious attachment: You may struggle to set boundaries because you fear they will create distance or lead to rejection.
Avoidant attachment: You may set rigid boundaries to protect yourself from emotional vulnerability.
Secure attachment: You are more likely to establish flexible boundaries that honor both your needs and your partner’s.
Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize patterns and develop healthier boundaries. If you're curious about how attachment styles impact your relationship, check out our blog post.
Step 2: Identify What You’re Longing For
Before you can communicate a boundary, you need to understand what you truly need. When negative emotions arise in your relationship, take a moment to reflect:
What am I feeling?
What is this feeling trying to tell me?
What am I most afraid of?
What do I truly want?
For example, imagine you feel angry whenever your in-laws visit because your partner doesn’t defend you against their passive-aggressive comments. If you sit with that anger, you may realize that underneath it, you feel sad and unimportant. You might fear that your partner values their parents’ opinions over yours, and you long to feel understood and supported.
Once you recognize this deeper longing, you can create a boundary that reflects it. Instead of reacting from frustration, you can ask for reassurance and validation in a way that strengthens your connection.
Step 3: Communicate with Vulnerability
Once you understand what’s important to you, find a calm moment to share your feelings with your partner. Speak as vulnerably as you can, focusing on your emotions rather than blaming or criticizing.
Using the earlier example, you might say: "When your parents make critical comments and you don’t address them, I feel small and unimportant. I need to know that I matter to you in those moments. It would mean a lot if you could speak up or even just give my hand a squeeze to let me know you see what’s happening."
Step 4: Build a Boundary Bridge Together
The best boundaries are collaborative. Once you express your needs, invite your partner to share their thoughts. Ask open-ended questions to better understand their perspective:
“How do you feel about what I just shared?”
“What would help you feel comfortable with this boundary?”
“What are your needs in this situation?”
Remember, your partner has needs and longings too. By working together, you can create boundaries that honor both of you, strengthening your relationship rather than straining it.
Set Boundaries with Support
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships takes patience, practice, and sometimes professional support. At Colorado Therapy Collective, our Emotionally Focused Therapists (EFT) specialize in helping couples identify their needs and communicate them in ways that foster deeper connection and intimacy. When you learn how to set boundaries with love and clarity, you strengthen your relationship rather than create distance.
If you’re ready to build better boundaries and improve your relationship, reach out and connect with us for a free consultation to get matched with a skilled EFT therapist and learn more about our approach. Take the first step toward a more connected, fulfilling partnership today.
