Why Do Couples Fight? The Top 5 Common Relationship Conflicts
Do you ever wonder why it feels like you and your partner are having the same arguments over and over again?
Many couples experience recurring conflicts, and while the topics of the issues may differ, the underlying patterns tend to be similar. According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), these conflicts often stem from deeper emotional needs for connection, security, and understanding, along with a negative cycle of interaction that creates a sense of stuckness.
A 2019 Psychology Today article, “30 Core Disagreements Couples Encounter”, highlights common relationship conflicts such as feeling unappreciated, communication struggles, financial stress, and desires for more affection. To resolve these issues, it’s important to address the deeper emotional needs and break the negative cycles that fuel them.
Let’s explore five of the most common relationship conflicts and consider ways to address them.
1. “You Never Help Around the House!” – Division of Labor Discrepancies
Unequal distribution of household responsibilities is a common source of tension in relationships. According to Psychology Today, feeling unappreciated is one of the main causes of dissatisfaction. One partner may feel overwhelmed by managing chores, while the other feels unacknowledged for their contributions.
EFT Perspective:
Unmet Attachment Needs:
One partner may feel unsupported (“I feel alone in this relationship”), while the other feels unappreciated (“No matter what I do, it’s never enough”).
The Negative Cycle:
One partner protests (“You never help!”), while the other defends themselves (“But, I took out the trash!”), leading to heightened conflict and disconnection.
How to Shift the Pattern:
Instead of blaming, express underlying emotions: “I feel overwhelmed with the current division of our household chores, and I need to know we’re in this together.” Work as a team to create a system that feels fair to both partners.
The Fair Play system is a great tool for exploring mental load disparities and creating a fair distribution of household labor. Check out our blogs for additional support: Sharing the Mental Load in Relationships and Defining Ownership: The Key to Sharing the Mental Load.
2. “You Never Listen to Me!” – Communication Breakdown
Miscommunication is inevitable in a relationship, and when gone unmanaged, it can become a major source of tension. A YouGov poll found that tone of voice and communication styles are common causes of conflict. When miscommunication happens, many couples feel unheard, often leading one partner to feel dismissed, while the other feels criticized.
EFT Perspective:
Unmet Attachment Needs:
The real issue often lies in emotional disconnection, not just the disagreement itself. One partner may seek connection by pushing for a conversation, while the other withdraws to avoid conflict.
The Negative Cycle:
One partner says, “You never listen, it’s like I’m talking to a wall,” leading the other to shut down or defensively reply, “I do listen, you just don’t care about my input,” which deepens the disconnect.
How to Shift the Pattern:
Slow down and focus on the emotions behind the words: “I feel disconnected when I don’t feel heard.” Practice active listening—summarize what your partner says before responding. Ask yourself: “Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to respond?” If it’s the latter, you may be entering a negative cycle.
To learn more about your relationship’s negative cycle, check out our blog: Understanding Where You & Your Partner Get Stuck in Conflict.
3. “We Don’t Have Enough Sex!” – Differences in Intimacy Needs
Sex and intimacy can either strengthen or strain your relationship, depending on the connection between you and your partner.
A lack of affection often causes conflict in relationships, as one partner may feel deprived of physical closeness, which can lead to emotional distance. Similarly, mismatched desires can also leave the other partner feeling pressured to engage or perform sexually.
EFT Perspective:
Unmet Attachment Needs:
Sex is not just a physical need; it’s deeply tied to emotional security. One partner may crave intimacy to feel close, while the other needs emotional safety before feeling a desire to engage physically.
The Negative Cycle:
One partner expresses dissatisfaction (“We never have sex anymore”), while the other reacts defensively (“I feel like all you care about is sex”), leading to further disconnection.
How to Shift the Pattern:
Understand that both of you crave connection, but how you go about it might look different. One partner may need emotional closeness before physical intimacy, while the other may need physical intimacy to feel emotionally connected. One approach is not inherently better than the other, they’re just different. Have an open, judgment-free conversation about what intimacy means to each of you.
For more on reconnecting, check out our two-part blog series: From Roommates to Lovers: Rekindling Romance in Long-Term Relationships.
4. “You Always Take Their Side!” – Conflict with Extended Family
Disagreements about in-laws, parenting styles, or family boundaries can cause tension and make partners feel unsupported. Research shows family-related conflicts can create stress as partners feel torn between loyalty to family and their relationship.
EFT Perspective:
Unmet Attachment Needs:
The deeper fear is often about loyalty and belonging. One partner may feel they are not the priority, while the other feels torn between family relationships.
The Negative Cycle:
One partner accuses, “You always defend your mom!” while the other defends with, “She didn’t mean anything by it,” which inevitably intensifies hurt feelings.
How to Shift the Pattern:
Start by validating each other’s feelings: “I know it hurts when it feels like I’m not standing up for you.” Then, work together to set healthy boundaries. Instead of making it “you against me,” invite your partner to collaborate: “I want us to be a team, and I need your support in setting boundaries with my family.”
5. “Are We Fighting Over Money?” – Financial Struggles in Relationships
Money problems often cause tension, making partners feel like they’re on opposite sides. Financial stress is a leading cause of conflict in relationships, leading to feelings of resentment, insecurity, and emotional distance.
EFT Perspective:
Unmet Attachment Needs:
A breakdown in communication about finances is often the underlying issue. One or both partners may feel overwhelmed but struggle to talk openly.
The Negative Cycle:
One partner withdraws from the conversation ("You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I don’t want to talk about it"), while the other presses for answers ("It is a big deal! We need to figure this out!"), increasing tension and emotional distance.
How to Shift the Pattern:
Encourage open conversations about finances—share your concerns and listen without judgment. Approach the situation as a team: “I know this is a difficult topic, but let’s work through it together.”
For guidance on navigating these conversations, check out our blog: How Attachment Styles Shape Financial Communication in Couples.
Final Thoughts
Fights aren’t just about chores, sex, or family dynamics—they’re often about deeper needs for security, validation, and connection. The good news? These conflicts don’t have to drive you apart. With awareness and a shift toward vulnerability, you and your partner can break out of destructive cycles and rebuild a stronger, more connected relationship.
If you’re struggling to shift these patterns on your own, EFT couples therapy can offer a safe space to explore these dynamics and strengthen emotional bonds. At Colorado Therapy Collective, our skilled EFT couples therapists are here to help. Reach out today for a free 20-minute consultation to discuss your concerns and find the right support for you and your partner.
References
Finkel, E. J. (2019, December 30). 30 core disagreements couples encounter. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201912/30-core-disagreements-couples-encounter
YouGov. (2022, May 28). How and why do American couples argue?https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/42707-how-and-why-do-american-couples-argue
