The Role of Attachment Styles in Relationships

Are You Anxious or Avoidant?

The idea that we all have different attachment styles in relationships is gaining significant attention in the media. You may have heard about it on TV, in podcasts, or from friends and family who describe themselves as either anxiously or avoidantly attached. But what does this really mean, and why does it matter?

British psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory after studying how children react when separated from their caregivers. His research led to the understanding that we all have fundamental needs in relationships—we want to feel loved, safe, and secure. When these needs aren’t met, we may respond with fear, anger, or insecurity, either pulling away from loved ones or actively protesting the distance. Attachment theory categorizes these responses into four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

At first, attachment styles might seem complex, but they ultimately come down to how you react to distress in relationships. Do you lean in and protest the distance, or do you withdraw and suppress your emotions?

Understanding your own attachment patterns can provide valuable insight into yourself and your partner, fostering a healthier, more connected relationship. Read on to explore what it means to be anxiously or avoidantly attached.

Anxious Attachment Style

Your partner says they will be home by 6:00 p.m. You wait on the couch, checking your phone every few minutes as the clock approaches the time they promised to return. As each second ticks past 6:00 p.m., a creeping sense of fear sets in. Where are they? What if they met someone else? What if they’re cheating? What if they don’t really love you?

You send one text, then another. Before you know it, you can’t stop. First, you ask where they are. Then, frustration takes over—you criticize their behavior, accusing them of taking you for granted and being inconsiderate. If this scenario resonates with you, you may have an anxious attachment style.

Anxious attachment is often linked to feelings of abandonment, low self-worth, and a preoccupation with the relationship.

Those with this attachment style may frequently criticize their partner, attempting to close the emotional distance through protesting, complaining, or interrogating. They may also struggle with jealousy, conflict resolution, overdependence, and intimacy. Ultimately, people with an anxious attachment style seek love and connection just like everyone else—they may simply require more reassurance than those with other attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Your partner tells you they want to move in together. A pit forms in your stomach as you tell them you need time to think about it. Over the next few days, you dodge their calls and texts, immersing yourself in work or other distractions. You convince yourself that you need space to figure things out. Maybe you should just break things off—why do they want to move in together so soon anyway?

Avoidant attachment often appears as disinterest, but for those who experience it, the reality is much more complicated.

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be hyper-independent, emotionally distant, and more focused on work or personal needs than relationships.

They may end relationships prematurely or withdraw when conflict arises. Internally, they often feel overwhelmed by emotions and worry that their needs will burden others. While part of them longs for closeness and connection, another part feels threatened and fearful when intimacy deepens.

Explore Attachment with EFT Couples Therapy in Denver

Understanding attachment styles is a powerful first step in building a stronger, more fulfilling emotional bond with your partner. This knowledge can help you view conflict differently and create space for deeper, more vulnerable communication. However, changing relationship patterns and behaviors often requires support.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a highly effective approach that helps couples explore their attachment styles and develop healthier ways of relating to each other. If you’re ready to work on your attachment style, our team of Emotionally Focused Therapists is here to help. Start your journey by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation with our intake team. We’ll match you with a therapist, answer your questions, and help you take the next step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.