How to Confront Your Partner About a Suspected Affair
Suspecting your partner of having an affair is an emotionally overwhelming experience.
Whether it’s intuition or concrete evidence that’s raising your suspicions, the thought of confronting them may feel daunting. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, how your partner will react, or uncovering a truth that could change your relationship forever.
Feeling anxious about this kind of conversation is completely normal. At Colorado Therapy Collective, our Emotionally Focused Therapists specialize in affair recovery and help couples navigate these challenging moments with care and support. Drawing insights from Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass, this guide offers strategies for confronting your partner about a suspected affair.
Step 1: Prepare Yourself Before the Conversation
Decide What You Want: Before initiating the conversation, ask yourself: What am I hoping to achieve? If your suspicions are confirmed, do you want to work on the relationship, or are you considering ending it? Reflect on your boundaries, non-negotiables, and what outcomes you’re prepared to handle.
Wait Until You’re Calm: Confronting your partner while feeling overwhelmed or angry can backfire, leading to defensiveness or denial. Wait until you can approach the conversation with emotional regulation to create an environment where honesty is possible.
Write Down Your Key Points: High-stakes conversations often cause emotional flooding, making it hard to think clearly in the moment. Jot down your main points beforehand to ensure you communicate effectively and stay focused.
Step 2: Approach the Conversation Skillfully
Set Yourself Up for Success: Choose a time and place where you can talk in person without distractions or time constraints. This ensures both of you can fully focus on the discussion.
Avoid a “Gotcha” Moment: While it might feel tempting to catch your partner off-guard or set them up to admit guilt, this approach undermines trust. Instead, aim for directness and transparency to encourage honesty.
Share the Facts: Rather than making accusations, state the facts that have raised your concerns. For example: “You’ve been coming home later than usual, and I’ve noticed you’ve been texting someone frequently. Can you help me understand what’s going on?” Presenting your observations calmly invites a more constructive response.
Express Your Feelings: Share how the situation has impacted you emotionally. For instance: “I feel scared and hurt because I don’t know if I can trust what’s happening.” This vulnerability helps your partner understand the weight of your concerns.
Step 3: Anticipate and Navigate Their Reaction
When confronting your partner, be prepared for a range of possible reactions:
Denial and Lies: They may refute your concerns, either to maintain the status quo or because they genuinely believe they’ve done nothing wrong.
Partial Admission: Your partner might admit to something but withhold other details to minimize the fallout. It isn’t typical that someone will fully admit what has been going on right away.
If they admit to something:
Acknowledge their honesty and express a desire for the full truth.
Take a break before diving into more questions—both of you may need time to process. Full disclosure often requires space and clarity.
If they deny everything:
Continue to observe and gather evidence if your concerns persist. Be prepared for the denial to feel even more painful than the truth, as it may leave you feeling stuck in an uncertain place.
Pay attention to their behavior. Are they defensive and dismissive, or do they show concern for your feelings? Genuine innocence often aligns with compassion rather than hostility.
Therapy for Affair Recovery
Confronting your partner about a suspected affair is never easy, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. At CTC, our Emotionally Focused Therapists provide a safe, supportive space to have these kinds of conversations in a way that can help bring you closer together versus driving you further apart.
Whether you need help confronting your partner or navigating the aftermath of an admission, we’re here to aid you in gaining clarity about what’s going on and healing. Visit our Affair Recovery specialty page to learn more about our services.
References:
Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. C. (2007). Not “just friends”: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. Simon and Schuster.
